my darling

it wasn't an argument, it was a confession.
i thought i'd be nice to come clean,
after all these years of carrying it inside...
i would lay on my bed and think about it...
when i was talking with you i would think about it...

when could i ever tell you
right thing to do, wrong time, wrong place...

the truth shall.... hurt.
but it hurts less than the constant lying.

i'm sorry.. i was wrong
(there's no way i can justify... no amount of apology that'll be enough)
only thing i can hope for is mercy and forgiveness...

you'd never look at me the same,
you'd never be able to trust me the same..

but yeah,
i hold my hand out to you,
it is up to you if you want to take it.

i know ... you say that "i'm just like any other guy"
but i want to tell you i'm not... and although i'm in no position to say it...
my actions, my words.... dont speak what i want to say...
but i have a thought: and that is "i dont want to be like any other guy"

i mean..

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


i regret...

i regret telling you it (especially over the phone)
i regret doing what i did...
i regret not telling you straight away...

i wrote these things down in the messanger to you
but i didn't send it.. cause.. it just wouldn't sound nice no matter how you'd read it

i was so scared...

i'm scared all my life for the past 3-4 years...
(F**K we almost reached 4 years anniversary in four BLOODY days!)

but whatever....

i was so scared.. to tell you that i went out with other friends
so scared to go out with friends
so scared to say things
so scared to do things

because i always thought, how'd i tell you?
in the night when you called...
every single night

i want to have someone that i can talk to freely
like.. i dont have to fake it... i dont have to act...
i dont have to fall asleep everytime so that we didn't need to keep the conversation going..

when i'm a person that really doesn't say much.

you say i'm selfish.
probably i am

i mean... i...
i know you are very sensitive..
and get emotional...
and it's your heart that does the thinking more than your mind at times..

and despite all those i'd still choose to say "i love you" no matter what..
i do

and i know that sometimes you just dont feel it
and i'm sorry..

i'm sorry i cant be that kind of guy that's suitable for what you want

maybe this is better for the both of us?
i keep playing this over and over in my head..

should i say it out?
yes?
no?
yes?
no?

bloody hell....


if i can't speak my mind....

why the heck....

you know what......

if i'm going to be someone that is alive..
and not just barely surviving each and every day...


then it's not that i need someone that can give support,
it's not that i have an infinite pool of energy to give love, care and attention to
it's not that i dont want to be committed

i want to be committed
that's what love is

its not just a feeling
it's a choice... to stay together
weather we like it or not

in the good times or in the bad
would you still love me despite all my flaws..
would you still love me if i'm imperfect?

its up to you
i'd still love you..

i have no idea what is the second thing that you wanted to confess
but yeah... i dont think i can ask you about it anymore..
i should just wipe it

or should i ask you

what should i DO????

but yeah.. if it's better for me to release you so that you can find a better guy.. then so be it
i always told my friends: "she's ready to get married, if she found a guy that's older with a stable job, she'd be married by now"

i'm not ready for marriage
it was so amazing that you'd want to wait for me to be ready
to finish my masters
to find a job

for you to go overseas for 9 moths and the n come back..

all these plans we made
all the memories we've had made

haha.. you want to burn them all?
i'm gonna keep the blanket and pillow... they're functional

i.... dont understand

darling...

sigh...

oddly .. i'm not... emotional..
i'm not sad, i'm not angry/... i'm not worried, i'm not...
i should be right...

but yeah...

i said that maybe half of me wants out
but half of me says stay committed

i can't tell you all these things now can i?

so many things i couldn't tell you

because you'll get angry.. which is... well.. normal..
which sane person wouldn't get angry if we were to tell them bad things

but one of the most beautiful things about you is that
you wouldn't stay angry till the next day

gosh..
i'm going to miss your mind reading
mind link

and our weird vocab that we came up together
so many silly things

haha

good memories

i've learnt so much from this relationship
i'd wish it'd continue

or maybe we're just not meant for each other?

a friend said that when a couple gets married, they'd have to tell thier spouses everything
i can't imagine still holding onto the the secret after we've put on the rings..

or maybe if i'd waited to confess during an alpha PMC i'd have been a better place and time
i mean with someone else around, like a pastor or something..

but thats something that you don't like either right
people...

sigh.. i'd always hope that one day i'll be able to see eye to eye with you on this..

that life wasn't about the church or being blinded by teachings

if there's anything you thought me..
it was to be real

real to speak one's feelings
real to...

real to

gosh.. you're probably the most real girl i've ever met...

and i blew it

GAHHHHH..... i hate myself
or should i

should i hate myself?

well..

it was a confession
not an argument

i dont want it to end this way though
i mean.. on such terms..
on such emotions

if you'd need closure
(well if i need it)
we should both still get together

talk face to face..

and see if it's really what we want,
to move on

either way
marriage or continuing the search

weren't you the one
how blinded we can be by love

i love you
and i dont mind being blind

i wont want to be blind anymore though

i too want to

advance somehow or another

sigh


sigh


sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


(i like sighing...... whats wrong with it)

SIGH