back p backup backup

 plex..

life time access...

making servers.

backing up things

nice to back up

too much media,

photos, videos, etc....

nothing will last forerver,

even in this digital information age

relative Universalist

Relative Universalist 

What is my philosophy in life?

The only thing that is absolute, 

Is everything is relative. 

The only constant, 

Is change (or growth) 

Doubt is an uncomfortable position, 

But certainty is absurd. - Voltaire 

I wish i could accept everyone's point of view in life without being judgmental or bringing my own biases into my thoughts about that person. But its hard considering how we've all be brought up in a certain way of thinking. 

To be empathetic, showing care and kindness. To try to understand the person's feelings and condition before making an assumption. 

To juat be true and accept that not everyone will like me. Its impossible to be liked by two opposing sides. We either love one and hate the other or love neither. That was what i was thought. 

We cannot love both. 

Can we not? 

Is it really not possible. 

Maybe. 

We have to choose our own path in life. 

Of casue if we had a partner we have to take their views into consideration too. For that is the responsibility and commitment when we made the choice to belong to another. 

Be true to yourself, 

No matter what. 

Travel is good, 

It opens up the mind to different cultures. 

Culture shock. 

Because we never really crawled out of the the rock we hid under all our lives. Our nice little comfort space. Our eco chamber where all views, ideas and opinions are unified in a synchronised consolidation 

Go out into the open. 

Listen to the left and right. 

Be a centralist, neutral at first. 

And then pick the side to stand on. 

It'll be an informed decision. 

And be consistent with it. 

I accept that i might be wrong. 

I acknowledge that i dont have complete knowledge of everything. 

I'm open

Yet i respect, 

First myself

And then others. 

God. 

There comes a choice when we are no longer infants. No longer living under the shelter of of parents, the house and community we were born into. Our lot in life. Our nature and nurture. 

To mature. 

What is growing up, 

What is coming of age? 

Its about making choices. 

Tough hard choices. 

Decisiveness. 

Decisions that will make or break the future. About looking long term. 

Defining who we are in the current moment. By whom we've been in the past

Our decisions along life's journey, 

Will be the test of our character. 

Did we show resilience when tempted to do wrong? Cause harm. Hurt people we love and care about? 

Or did we fight back against the tide. 

Ride it

Flow with it 

Or drown

Fight it. Resist it. But surf it. 

Dont be crushed by it.

Stand on the firm foundation, 

A solid rock. 

God. 

Makes

All things.... Good

Yet life is imperfect. 

Its full of bad stuff. 

God is good

He always is. 

Its not a contradiction. 

Its whom He is, 

And He gave us a choice. 

The freedom to choose. 

A better life

A life for Him and His values. 

Or a free life, free from slavery. 

No. 

Freedom is only truely found in Him.

When we forsake all others. 

For the singular choice we make. 

We cannot have our cake and eat it. 

We cant have everything in this world. 

Or cease ro be anything at all. 

Cease to come to be anything of significance. 

Life. 

Why did God give it to me. 

And you. 

Why did i meet you

Why are you reading this

Why did our paths cross, 

The unseen strings of this infinite web. 

Mingling and intertwining 

Into a beautiful array of... 

Nothingness 

Somethingness

God

We are all one. 

In Him

We are all seperate individuals 

Yet choose 

United by choices

Not against our free will. 

Self control 

The last and hardest part of the fruit of the Spirit. 

Yet with the wise Counsellor, 

The Holy Ghost,

It is obtainable. 

Love, 

Joy.. 

Peace

Patience 

Kindness

Goodness

Faithfulness 

Gentleness 

and

Self control 

wisdom, knowledge. more knowledge is wiser or not?

 if the textbook answer of wisdom is: applying knowledge appropriately.
(and on a side note, understanding is being able to explain complex terms in simpleness)

then... what is if that knowledge was just a limited pool of memory?

see, our minds can only fabricate so much from the collective experiences that we've had.

and being able to come to conclusions with that... how is that wisdom? if we do not seek to know more than we already do? i dont think there's such a thing as "knowing too much". logically the more one knows, the more... comprehensive their reasoning capacity would be... no?

or does knowing too much cloud judgement, the less one knows, the simpler minded one is, the more 'cohesive' and 'coherent' (opostite of dissociation) i.e. associated or integrated one's mind would be. the easier it would be to come to conclusions that aren't conflicting with one another. gosh to be able to have the blissful non-conflicting thoughts when making a decision. zero-doubt. ignorance is bliss.

hah... anyways what i'm trying to say is.

the less one knows the better

the one more knows the better too

consolidated <--- thats the word i was looking for

150NZD to save a life

 I got saman by the NZ police today.

Calm and nice guy

just before the road to Murphy's bush

sigh..

didn't ware seat belt, and i was leaning over to chit chat

should have just slept in the car,

should have just wore a seat belt

why am i worried that this will be considered a crime?

would it affect my immigration extension application..

you know that they couldn't process mine smoothly because there was a missing tick box on section E1... if i committed any offense? including driving offences...

i  couldn't even watch my TBN JOnah movie finished..

loaded it on monday 24th. (it was airing free on 21-23 weekend).. its the 28th today.. tried continuing it.. didn't work.. only manage to get in 40 plus minutes..

anyways...

if there was a car crash.. and a life was lost...

150NZD could never buy that back...

no amount of money can buy back a life that's wasted

God..... am i running away from nineveh

Dear God

Thank you for coming as a light into my life, to guide me and to shine the way. May You reveal things in mylife that need to be touched & changed by you. Lord, you were here since the beginning & You are there in the future. Sometimes i worry about what is going to happen. But please let me have peace knowing you are the Light & you will provide all that I need, not more, not less, but just what you'd want me to have that would keep me relient to you. That I may know it is not things i should desire for, you You.

Your Word is always true. Everything you said, all the promises you made. If there was anything in this world that I should put my trust in, let it be You and your words. May it not just be memorised scriptures in my head, but help me to live it out in my daily life, to embodie it, to  be empowered by it, to find assurance, peace, guidance, rest, fullfilment, joy, love, teachings, rebuke, warnings, rewards, my portion. all that is enough for me.

Let it be in you that I find my satisfaction in life, my given purpose, my meaning.
Let my dailty thoughts be shaped by You, when I rise: Your the first thoguht on my mind,
when i lay my head down to sleep: Your the one I talk to to thank you.
That the questions i ask not just others but also myself... are influenced by You
My intentions of the day,
turn myself from me to you

"Self-righteousness has nothing righteousabout it, is is just being selfish"

Let me not miss out on who you are.

my darling

it wasn't an argument, it was a confession.
i thought i'd be nice to come clean,
after all these years of carrying it inside...
i would lay on my bed and think about it...
when i was talking with you i would think about it...

when could i ever tell you
right thing to do, wrong time, wrong place...

the truth shall.... hurt.
but it hurts less than the constant lying.

i'm sorry.. i was wrong
(there's no way i can justify... no amount of apology that'll be enough)
only thing i can hope for is mercy and forgiveness...

you'd never look at me the same,
you'd never be able to trust me the same..

but yeah,
i hold my hand out to you,
it is up to you if you want to take it.

i know ... you say that "i'm just like any other guy"
but i want to tell you i'm not... and although i'm in no position to say it...
my actions, my words.... dont speak what i want to say...
but i have a thought: and that is "i dont want to be like any other guy"

i mean..

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


i regret...

i regret telling you it (especially over the phone)
i regret doing what i did...
i regret not telling you straight away...

i wrote these things down in the messanger to you
but i didn't send it.. cause.. it just wouldn't sound nice no matter how you'd read it

i was so scared...

i'm scared all my life for the past 3-4 years...
(F**K we almost reached 4 years anniversary in four BLOODY days!)

but whatever....

i was so scared.. to tell you that i went out with other friends
so scared to go out with friends
so scared to say things
so scared to do things

because i always thought, how'd i tell you?
in the night when you called...
every single night

i want to have someone that i can talk to freely
like.. i dont have to fake it... i dont have to act...
i dont have to fall asleep everytime so that we didn't need to keep the conversation going..

when i'm a person that really doesn't say much.

you say i'm selfish.
probably i am

i mean... i...
i know you are very sensitive..
and get emotional...
and it's your heart that does the thinking more than your mind at times..

and despite all those i'd still choose to say "i love you" no matter what..
i do

and i know that sometimes you just dont feel it
and i'm sorry..

i'm sorry i cant be that kind of guy that's suitable for what you want

maybe this is better for the both of us?
i keep playing this over and over in my head..

should i say it out?
yes?
no?
yes?
no?

bloody hell....


if i can't speak my mind....

why the heck....

you know what......

if i'm going to be someone that is alive..
and not just barely surviving each and every day...


then it's not that i need someone that can give support,
it's not that i have an infinite pool of energy to give love, care and attention to
it's not that i dont want to be committed

i want to be committed
that's what love is

its not just a feeling
it's a choice... to stay together
weather we like it or not

in the good times or in the bad
would you still love me despite all my flaws..
would you still love me if i'm imperfect?

its up to you
i'd still love you..

i have no idea what is the second thing that you wanted to confess
but yeah... i dont think i can ask you about it anymore..
i should just wipe it

or should i ask you

what should i DO????

but yeah.. if it's better for me to release you so that you can find a better guy.. then so be it
i always told my friends: "she's ready to get married, if she found a guy that's older with a stable job, she'd be married by now"

i'm not ready for marriage
it was so amazing that you'd want to wait for me to be ready
to finish my masters
to find a job

for you to go overseas for 9 moths and the n come back..

all these plans we made
all the memories we've had made

haha.. you want to burn them all?
i'm gonna keep the blanket and pillow... they're functional

i.... dont understand

darling...

sigh...

oddly .. i'm not... emotional..
i'm not sad, i'm not angry/... i'm not worried, i'm not...
i should be right...

but yeah...

i said that maybe half of me wants out
but half of me says stay committed

i can't tell you all these things now can i?

so many things i couldn't tell you

because you'll get angry.. which is... well.. normal..
which sane person wouldn't get angry if we were to tell them bad things

but one of the most beautiful things about you is that
you wouldn't stay angry till the next day

gosh..
i'm going to miss your mind reading
mind link

and our weird vocab that we came up together
so many silly things

haha

good memories

i've learnt so much from this relationship
i'd wish it'd continue

or maybe we're just not meant for each other?

a friend said that when a couple gets married, they'd have to tell thier spouses everything
i can't imagine still holding onto the the secret after we've put on the rings..

or maybe if i'd waited to confess during an alpha PMC i'd have been a better place and time
i mean with someone else around, like a pastor or something..

but thats something that you don't like either right
people...

sigh.. i'd always hope that one day i'll be able to see eye to eye with you on this..

that life wasn't about the church or being blinded by teachings

if there's anything you thought me..
it was to be real

real to speak one's feelings
real to...

real to

gosh.. you're probably the most real girl i've ever met...

and i blew it

GAHHHHH..... i hate myself
or should i

should i hate myself?

well..

it was a confession
not an argument

i dont want it to end this way though
i mean.. on such terms..
on such emotions

if you'd need closure
(well if i need it)
we should both still get together

talk face to face..

and see if it's really what we want,
to move on

either way
marriage or continuing the search

weren't you the one
how blinded we can be by love

i love you
and i dont mind being blind

i wont want to be blind anymore though

i too want to

advance somehow or another

sigh


sigh


sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


(i like sighing...... whats wrong with it)

SIGH

Sacarsm in the heart

"Ooo, I wonder what's going to be so important... Is there any possibility to know what announcement will be made? XP haha or must we wait for that night to hear about it"

The way things are written.
So sacarstic.

I wonder why...
I feel this urge of rebellion towards authority.

I just feel like lashing out and speaking my mind.

I've been attending ZCL for as much as I can remember. Just missing out one time in Feb. And they give me a warning/reminder ? Gee, I wonder if the message is even personally written.

Sigh..

Am I a bringer of disharmony wherever I go? Challenging social norms in conservstive religious organisations.

What really is the church.

Who really are Christians.

Do I feel more love,
Or judgement.

I used to sit on the seat of a condemer.
Least I'm beginning to know now...

"It is not about imposing upon others what I PERCIVE is the right thing"

Help me to accept, help me to stay humble

True friends, true talk

I had a chance to talk to friends today about Christ. But... It didn't really come out the right way. My life wasn't showing what an abundant life was, I'm down and I just repeated the story of Jesus dying on the cross for our sins like... A pharisee...

It felt so... Confrontational.

Like. Although I knew it was the right facts, but it probably wasn't the right time or way to say it.

I learnt,

That instead of answering through what I know, it's better to ask questions that prompts the listener to think about the right answers.

For example:
Q: did God create the earth?
A: I believe in a Creator and He made something out of nothing in the beginning.

Vs

A: how do you think all around us came into existence?

I think both answers lead to the same truth, but through different pathways. Jesus always showed kindness and compassion to those outside the Kingdom: the prostitutes, adultress, tax collectors... Sinners. They always felt loved and welcomed with open arms.

But He was harsh on the pharisees and saducees (at times). Scolding them and correcting their "misguided" faith (which they genuinely believed). It always irritated them...

I learnt,

That my life is the greatest testimony by what I do daily, not by what I say.

Its horrible to live a life that is opposite of what I belive in my head. Not practicing what I preach and just... Being a empty can, clanging cymbal.. Its just puts people off, especially the ones I really hope would come to know Chirst.

"to come to know Christ, to have a relationship with Him" <- this line doesn't work on someone whose ears and heart just don't want to hear it...

But then again I always have this thought in my head: maybe I should just scatter the seed, who knows if it'll sprout one day on which ever soil it lands on? After all, it may be watered by someone else and at the end of the day it is God whom makes it sprout..

But then I'm corrected of this false.. Seemingly error free belief...

I can turn people away from Christ by 'preaching' in a harsh way. But making it seem like I'm trying to 'convert' them. It feels so.. Mechanical, so... Fake...

Although I keep trying to convince myself... Its not easy to evangelise.. And it's uncomfortable.. And it's... Going against my logic...

I don't think it should be...

I think sharing Christ should be the most comfortable thing ever...

But.. I can only do it by coming out of the right position with God first.. To be a Mary and not Martha. To sit at Jesus feet first and listen to Him first before trying to do any form of... "work"

The last lesson I learnt, and. I really want to implement in conversations is...

The intentional usage of "we" and less of "I" and "you". (or atlest the more appropriate times to use them)

So this is weird to say but, I think I picked up a very bad habit of saying "you should...." or "it's because you..." or "you think that..."... It makes alot of assumptions, and it sounds very confrontational. And makes the listener uneasy, putting up defensive mechanisms in the subconscious that can be  physically felt.. Like, a wall. It's just... Bad vibes.

Same goes with I, it comes out strong on my opinion on things. At times this can be a good thing. It should be used. Sometimes instead of owning up to something that I personally go through, I remove it from being attached to me by saying... "you" followed by the matter at hand. I've learnt that I need to use "I" in cases like this.. Like... Very intentionally.

I used to hate using the word "I". I thought it was selfish, I thought I was prideful (the saying where "I" is in the middle of pr-i-de always comes to mind). But now I want to embrace it, in its proper usage.

And I find it so much more friendly to use the term "we"...

We can grow together,
We can learn together,
We aren't perfect,
We are friends,
You and I have something in common,
Theres a middle ground for us.

Owh okay.. There's one more thing too:
Self-care

So this is different from 'love yourself first' or 'it's okay to be selfish' or 'I did it my way~'... I'm currently really working on this.. Like...

I don't want to live it out the way the world does by saying "oh you need to put yourself before others" or "help yourself first so you can help others"...

I believe that

"I don't need to be perfect to help others, after all it is God that works through me right?" or things like "it's okay if I'm suffering and being persecuted..."

Or at least that's what I used to...

I feel tired.
And my non-Christian friends have helped me to see why.
They do genuinely care for me
They don't mind confronting me to make me a better person.
Although I don't 100% agree with what they say or their worldviews (I mean, how can a Christian have the same world view as one whose not right?)...

But.. Yeah there are things when put in the right perspective makes lots of sense...

Like

How can I be helping others when I myself does not let myself be helped by God in. The first place?

Mary and Martha comes to mind again...

God... When will I ever get out of this valley.

I know You bring us through the hard times for a reason, to grow us, to train us, to show us how to be more relient on You, to only be relient on You, to crucify our old self, to be put through the furnace and crucible to burn away the dross... Purifying us...

But God.. This is such a.. Dark valley.

Why are there no more highs.

But I do still remember the highs in the good ol' days.

And I believe that there'll be a day where...
Well...

Who knows.

Only You do

Wind and waves

Stop fighting against the wind and waves,
Your mind is actively in opposition and in resistance to this outside factors,
Instead, just embrace it. The flow, the oscillations, the natural rhythm...

The sounds, do you enjoy it?
Do you take delight in being where you are.

This is the way to store memories,
When you encounter and experience things at an emotional level that you feel a sense of belonging to.

Stop fighting,
Start embracing.

the 'next' button

something about,

having the mindset of doing the next action,
that makes one not pay attention to what he's currently doing/reading/listening to

"i just want to click next"

I'm gonna cut out... everything.
so that I'm only left with so many things to do.

hopefully then my mind can be more consolidated

be VERY INTENTIONAL

be very intentional about what your eyes see and what your ears listen to,
for that is what builds up the physical memory blocks in your brain that makes up the mind.

Out of the well spring of the heart flows out what is stored in it.
what you say and what you do, will depend on what you put in.

be very intentional with the time you spend, you only have so much a day

conscious. how

this body,

is it... an extension on something? my mind? His Will?
why does it exist as it is, why can i physically see it, confirm it with sight, with touch, with smell
am i really just a blob of elements held together by biological processes,

is DNA a language and alterable code?
what is the next step beyond this skin's boundaries.

why? why?

what makes up my conscious thoughts, my "self"
am i a ghost in a shell?
would my body be like the Ship of Theseus?



destiny, fate, whatever.
collective, all in all, pluralism, divinity,
what is the truth.

life in truth

truth in life,
life in truth.

Get in touch with reality,
stop living a fantasy.

Carry out the Plan,
Make His Will, yours.

the mind separates from the body when we feed our fleshly desires.

why does the mind feel like it's detached from the body?
because the mind is in conflict with the desires of the flesh.

the more we feed the body (by giving in to temptations, after all it's a free choice)
we strengthen the flesh, and hence the mind feels more and more absent.

if we hang in the middle always tripping the line,
sooner or later we start to feel "depressed" as if there is a great dis-conjunction with the world.

and then, we are more and more likely to.
be.
lost.

however, if the flesh takes over all the way, in which we just give into the desires of it,
lust, temptations and evil.. materialism.

it becomes who we are. and we start to be comfortable with ourselves.

where is the soul then?
holiness and our conscience

God is not to be explained, but to be experienced

was typing a response to a friend about purgatory.

i think Christians should focus more on the common things that bind us together,
(which is Christ the Head of the Body)
instead of.. well.. trying to discredit each other's believes/doctrine.

we should accept their believes (i'm not saying to be relative),
because at the end of the day, it is still the same Jesus whom saves.

Sin is to me: disobedience to God.
life is not about accumulating knowledge, but applying and experiencing it.

i learn that we need to have a relationship with God as a Christian
do i really take time to cultivate the relationship?


do i sit down on my bed, undistracted, and pray?
do i kneel down and ask for my daily bread?

do i feel God like how i would feel a friend.
its not just in the head, its in the heart.

"God is not to be explained, but to be experienced"

two types of suffering

there are two types of suffering
one that the world experiences, which is not by choice.
which is outside of our locus of control

and then there is the suffering that is chosen
Jesus asked us to pick it...

would you rather live a life that's determined by the world and suffer it's consequences of not being able to control what happens to you no matter how hard you try,
or would you submit yourself to God, the Sovereign One whom created all and that can gives us the greates joy that the world could never provide, suffer from Him, and gain life.

stepping down and up. be: happy

grateful: for CTK and the van. back in PJ, it was so easay to deal with things concerning PPBC, need the sanctuary for camp worship practice? no problem. need a dance studio? done. need a place to chill out and sleep over, with showers? tick tick tick

coming to Sabah, taught me that i should learn how to ask for help, and that people are very willing to give it actually. that... showing a need, i taught it was a weakness, but actually its strength that's required to ask. and asking: builds bridges, creates bonds, fosters friendships.

Ps Darren is such a cool dude, we needed a van to transport the students from campus to PPKS in likas, normally we would need to rent a van/bus (if the people whom owned cars weren't enough). but yeah, FOC.. grace. love. community. family. i felt all those things.

i want to feel more of the present moment. than being detached from it.
i want to be able to have the energy to live for the day, by choosing to delay gratification of things that are not meant to be as of yet.
i want to choose Christ, and know His power, in His goodness and fullness of His Glory.

pray:
for healing on aunt aggie
for Kg Sembulan tomorrow (bring the fan!)
for Alon and his grandma

plan:
for PK05
date&venue
meeting with the old comm (Anthon)
Next meeting with the committee

Alpha
20 May
27 May
3&4 June

just three more sessions to go and we'll be done with the series.
Gosh, how time flies. i never taught it would be possible to run the whole thing.
How i only wished we had more time for application.

God, what do you want?
me to Humble myself as i seek You
to daily refresh myself with Your Word, few times a day.
to worship.

owh well.
atleast we're gonna have a party on 22 May for the Campus Life leavers
at Party Play Lifestyle Cafe. Crystal and i will be incharge of games. its a costume theme, we plan to go as harley quinn adn the joker. haha.. its gonna be some crazzzy games.

loves of love,
blogging.

misjudge because of bias news

least we misjudge something based on what other people teach us only without knowing learning the truth ourselves. news like to be biased. and subconciously, it does shape the way we tend to think in.. very serious ways. especially if we only recieve things from a small bubble. hence it is important to be open minded to listen to others, what they will say first. but always know when enough is. when listening more can do no more good. it is an evident need to stand your ground, least one becomes... relativistic.

if the speaker has spoken so much as to think that you are convinced aboutthe truth that he holds. you do him no more good than if you halted him and told your side of the standing. thats what constructive communication is.

dont accept everything, yet learn to listen. dont jump to conclusions from assumptions, yet be diligent in making choices based on all that you have built thus far

why listen to others?

sometimes its better to go ahead and do what you feel like doing.

not because it feels good, but because it is the right thing to do.

missing out the opportunity of a small time frame window can cause consequences that cannot be fixed in the future, unless you have the power to turn back time.

so make sure you know what you are doing in life, dont waste it.

dont waste other people's life.

Ephesians 5:15-17: "Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.…"

dont sleep things off,

go water the plants when you have to

especially if it is a hot day.. two hot days in a row

dont rely on others to water the plants for you just because they verbally said they would do it

remind them to do it, or what does trust mean? that you can abdicate responsibility and put the death of others on the hands of others?

no, do not fall into the sin of omission

when you are entrusted with something by someone, carried it out yourself.

because really.... it is your reputation with you are carrying

"He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a very little thing is unrighteous also in much." - Luke 16:10

dear God, i hope the plants from kinabalu survives.

and it didn't rain =(

sigh

Empath - Only one Way to solve it to have Life, this is the Truth

something about jumping from relationship to relationship

"I've always known it in the back of my head, but I'm only now understanding myself that I am addicted to the beginnings of relationships. In the past few months, following the end of a short but intense relationship, I've really enjoyed being a single lady. At the same time, I've also enjoyed dating. Dating multiple people. But the thing is, once I get to know them comfortably, once the relationship arrives at the point of sex (however long that takes), I'm not as interested. And I think it's because I'm addicted to getting to know people, not knowing them. I'm usually disappointed once I do. So instead of looking for that impossible long-term. yes, I'm allowing myself to have fun with the Maybes.
And I'm having fun. I'm just not sure how long it can last." - an exhibition in Singapore Art Museum

came across it reading a friend's blog. whom elaborated she wanted to try out that lifestyle.




ah, dear heart, are you tempted too?
least you find another hidden desire, polygamy
dont act on it, least you sin
present all to the Father, whom heals us in our fallen nature
transforming and sanctifying us day by day

i only know of one person that can surprise you each and everyday of your life.
on whose love is never ending, never ceasing, and which has been there even before we exsisted.
He is the answer to that searching heart.

"There is none like you,
No one else can touch my heart like You do
I could search for all eternity long
and find, there is non like You"