big blunder at work

 i told someone my salary offer.

because i don't know how to lie,

and i don't feel comfortable keeping secrets.

but yeah..

learning to say "it's confidential" is so counter culture to what i was brought up in.

the world should be more transparent.

sucks....

now i will have to deal with aunties that are getting paid less at work 

dear God save me

and give me wisdom on how to fix this S#!+ i messed up at

and ... please give grace and mercy to the HR....

finally upgraded to windows 10

     So it's about time eh

finally made the jump from windows 7 to windows 10

why?

because windows 7 couldn't run blizzards Diablo 2 

and i wanted to play with Wythe

but even after installing it,

i can't play it because the graphics of this Acer Aspire v3-471G laptop is only a Geforce GT 630M 2GB

talk about ancient tech eh. i still love this laptop so much

owh well

life is quite good without being able to play games anyway. haha

every morning i wake up at 5

 okay my alarm goes off at 5,

but i dont get out of bed straight away

i lay in it,

reach out my hand, groping in the dark to where i roughly remember placing the phone the night before to charge...

hit the snooze. 10 minutes... another ten... and another...

sometimes i turn it off and go to bed for another hour.

it's hard to get out of bed..

there's nothing to look forward to in the day,

the work..... is mundane.. and just for the money

saving up... 

it's not going to be forever...

just need to get through this time....

it's just temporary...

everyday its hard to get up.

i'm... tired.

i just want to.... rest

i pull the sheets back up over my aching body,

coving my cold feet so they can warm up under the duvet

i cherish my sleep

just before i have to go work

and come home,

and get ready for bed,

and repeat..

everyday

is

exactly

the same...

I'm not rich enough...

I used to say money isn't the most important thing in this world (dont worry, it still isn't the number one)

But with that saying came a mindset that money wasn't really important in any sense (which is obviously not true)

Not like i never appreciated or been grateful for what is, but maybe i took for granted the providence

Like isn't it normal for a child to ask of a father, and the father lovingly gives what he knows to be good to his beloved child?

And wouldn't a father want to give if he could, wouldn't it be abnormal if a son refuses to ask or accept the good gifts a father wants to give, especially out of proud arrogance?

(just to make things clear I'm perfectly okay with my dad, haha.. Its just a thought experiment I'm getting to)

So many people i meet here in NZ on the working holiday dont have that same mindset..

I mean, i dont blame them least i be condescending. But like... money is such a big deal, as if life revolves around the dollar sign..

Maybe they were not so blessed, childhood gorwing up in certain family conditions and such.. But don't we get to choose how our relationship and feelings towards money would be when we are adults?

I've met people whom are contented, whom dont say "I'm poor and need to work more" (so so so many people say that when they're not!). I've also met others that keep saying that...

Jesus....

Well God really talked alot abt money in the Bible didn't He.. I guess without Jesus... Really the only other god to live for would probably be that..

Gee, dont know why i feel so frustrated, so.. judgy...

Anyways.. Yeap..

Like you said contentment is key

150NZD to save a life

 I got saman by the NZ police today.

Calm and nice guy

just before the road to Murphy's bush

sigh..

didn't ware seat belt, and i was leaning over to chit chat

should have just slept in the car,

should have just wore a seat belt

why am i worried that this will be considered a crime?

would it affect my immigration extension application..

you know that they couldn't process mine smoothly because there was a missing tick box on section E1... if i committed any offense? including driving offences...

i  couldn't even watch my TBN JOnah movie finished..

loaded it on monday 24th. (it was airing free on 21-23 weekend).. its the 28th today.. tried continuing it.. didn't work.. only manage to get in 40 plus minutes..

anyways...

if there was a car crash.. and a life was lost...

150NZD could never buy that back...

no amount of money can buy back a life that's wasted

God..... am i running away from nineveh

Ask

A new look to enducation.

Why am I learning things?
Who are the lecturers? Who is the student? What is work? Who gets paid for what and who paying for what.

I have a fear of approaching lecturers.
To ask them about things.
Especially things I don't know about.
Its weird. I thought I would want to be able to learn new things from people whom can teach.

Where did I all go wrong? Why don't u feel safe asking educators anymore. Is it because I see them as bosses? People whom aren't there to help but to judge my work and redicule me.

Why... This is such a wrong perception of them. They are essential nice people. Wonderful people willing to help.

They are paid by the government as lecturers to teach the university students whom in turn pay tuition fees to get the tutoring and knowledge. It's a right to claim their time and attention.

Right? How come I shy away from waking to my lecturers door. Why do I feel like he's too busy for me and I shouldn't disturb him. He's always wanting to meet me. Or am I passive, am I just waiting for work. Am I just a slave to obey and have no right to think for myself what to do.

Why...

Am

I scared.

Why do I fear.

Is it because I don't want to give the perception to them that I'm inadequate, incompetent, lacking in knowledge.

Pride.

I don't see them out of my own pride.
How do I do away with that?

I thought I was being humble by giving them time to do thier own things. But its wrong, in not seeing them I'm causing more grief and worry. While they should know and rest assured that they don't need to worry about me and can focus on other thingngd.. They worry. They start worrying.

I'm not smart.
I'm not as smart as I think I am.
If I'm shy to ask for help.

I thought everything could be solved with a quite check to Google. Wrong, things get solved when we take the effort to approach people that know how to solve things.

Don't be lazy.
Googling is like cheating. Taking the short cut.

Take the long road. Take the walk to school. Take the walk to the lecturers office.

Schedule an appointment.
Say "I don't know how to do this, can you please teach me?"

A teachable mind, heart and soul.
An attitude that isn't proud.

That doesn't put down people.
That doesn't put myself down.
That...

Is willing to ask for hwlp
And be guided.

Its different from thinking
" owh the other person did all of this for me and hence nothing is my own work."

Itvia being able to embrace...
The help of others..
So that we can achieve greater heights.

If I don't know. Ask.

Sacarsm in the heart

"Ooo, I wonder what's going to be so important... Is there any possibility to know what announcement will be made? XP haha or must we wait for that night to hear about it"

The way things are written.
So sacarstic.

I wonder why...
I feel this urge of rebellion towards authority.

I just feel like lashing out and speaking my mind.

I've been attending ZCL for as much as I can remember. Just missing out one time in Feb. And they give me a warning/reminder ? Gee, I wonder if the message is even personally written.

Sigh..

Am I a bringer of disharmony wherever I go? Challenging social norms in conservstive religious organisations.

What really is the church.

Who really are Christians.

Do I feel more love,
Or judgement.

I used to sit on the seat of a condemer.
Least I'm beginning to know now...

"It is not about imposing upon others what I PERCIVE is the right thing"

Help me to accept, help me to stay humble

Honesty

Yeah probably putting one's self in another's shoes would help to make the article more sensible. Haha my bad on thinking it was selfish

But yeah, relationships within family members is a core thing of how God made this world. But we need to love God above them, for us to really love them.

I really like how Jesus says that if “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple."
Luke 14:26 NIV

I love my dad. Not because of what he's done, but because of God. I would my father regardless of what he's done. That's how he brought me up, through the example of loving as how God would love.

I wasn't thought it though words, I learnt it through living in a family that just practiced what God wanted.

Hence, there was no dissociation...

There is no need to rebel,
There is no need to gain attention, or to compare.

I wasn't compared, there was no favouritism, no said expectations to live up to.

No expectations were asked of me, but I still knew about them in my heart. That it was not for men's expectations to be met, but God's. Not my father's , not my teacher's or pastor's or friend's or boss's

The moment I started to live for others instead of God. That's when the horrible feeling of meaninglessness came in. Everyday was a drag. Work, ministry, relationships..

No doubt the consequences were due to my choices. And the healing doesn't happen over night. But it's in the process...

We all are broken, none of us are perfect. And if we were to potray a life as such, then better for my neck to be tied to a stone and thrown into the river. For I would become condescending, and that would in turn turn others away from God.

Am I proud or ashamed to be a son. A son of whom? My dad? Or God? My identity is not in my family, but in my relationship with God. I was not actively conscious about this when I was little, but now as a young adult I see the importance of realising and internalising this truth.

For even if my pastor or father or wife to be shall be anything other than what I expect them to be... If they shall fail. I would not hold it against them. For I too am in as much grace as them.

Cg is off

They're calling off CG because the only person that want sto attend is retarded.

I still remember when there was only three of us, my boss, mama and I. Three years back. And we would still have had CG.

And saying that there's going to be "homework"... Really??

Thats one word I disliked. And to still hear it as an adult. What do you think we are?? Some kinda kids? Who do you think you are? A more-righteous-than-you teacher?

Gah... I never got frustrated about these things.
Never felt irritated.

Why...
Why now

I don't want all these negative thoughts and feelings to keep spewing out of my heart and mind. This isn't me

I want to write all this as replies in the WhatsApp group. But that would just be mean, evil in fact.

It would bring no harmony and only harm.

What would a God of love,
Have me do?

To talk to him,
We are all intertwined

really... life?

all part of being human, reality of life.

but the good news is that we have Christ =) and we know He has a good plan for us. follow after Him, focus on Him. and may He use you wherever you may be placed. be a light there i wish i could get married with my girlfriend and move in together and start a family, have a place to stay that is convenient for both our careers ... ah...

Ah, you know its just the thought of having to go through so many channels that it gets quite overwhelming.

Write a poem she said

My friend ask me for a favour,
To pay a convocation bill,
On a Friday close to prayer,
I'll wait for next week still.

On a Monday I come to the Cansellori,
I go to the bendahari,
They ask me to go to DKP baru,
To pay along with the rest.

The walk,
The sun
The time..
No fun

I'm here standing in line,
Wondering why...

Something I thougt so easy,
Ends up to be such a...

And then there is that video
I did not volunteer to make
For wai yip's farewell..
Tonight

Sigh

Listen to God's voice, again

Doing the second Bible reading plan with Abel and Kevin.
Whisper: How to hear the voice of God - Mark Batterson

--------- i wrote this there initially, but decided it should go here, cause its a rant, and i don't want to complain to humans anymore------

I would love to hear His voice everyday.
Although most of it might be rebuke,
Yet at least its better than nothing.
Maybe I've heard it but paid no heed/attention to Him before, too many times.

But everyday is a new day.
And i would like to start listening to His voice again.

-------------------- this is what i wrote for them, more optimistic and answers the question, following instructions, the positive side of things --------------------
Q: When was the last time you heard God’s voice? What did He say or ask? How did you respond? 

A: About a week ago?
The song Obsession by Delirious
God says He loves me
I just laid on the bed and let the tears stream down

missed all the deadlines

shit, i'm missing so much deadlines

It was a free photobook from airasia, 40 pictures. I could have activated it before march and then slowly taken the time to select the photos until 31 may. now the chance is over. sigh.

I also missed adding one variable into the models. Altitude. i have to freaking do everything again, the modelling, the data entry in progress sheet, the presence absence in DIVA.. sigh

And i missed the MyBRAIN scholarship application.. shit

all the deadlines were on 31st march.

I got saman for my driving license being expired for a year too, RNM70.. renewed it and paid the saman.

Well, atleast I had a good time with my darling.

why Chester Bennington took his own life

he must have been so distressed about losing a friend so close, to want to meet him on the other side of line. Care. He really cared.

but how ironic, its a chain that cannot be broken, not by human means.

as much as i pity him for the abusive past, current pressures of the entertainment industry, and man-concocted substances that are willingly taken ... i feel more for the family that is left behind, wife, kids...

really, if a man could choose the date of his passing. why not when we are at the climax of life and all the more in the spot light of the world, what more better way to leave than as a legend in our own minds, what better legacy than when the world is all that there is worth bowing down for... example: some men live till 70 - 80 years, contented with grandchildren and fading out from the spotlight gradually... even those great man of long ago that pass away in our current times do not receive such "grandeur"... but then again.. what is it worth when we have already left this earth.. can't hear or see anything anymore... just .. freed

Just attended a funeral this morning, it's ... something close to heart.. for some. generally, not everyone would care for a single persons passing. others more than others. some indifferent, some all the difference.

to the audience: ticks me off you guys clap and cheer, this is a mourning song for goodness sake. what the heck is wrong with people nowadays.. is entertainment all that we just seek that we've become numb?

really...

the entertainment industry's expectation.. kills just too many. to feed us. then again, some even dare have the thought if it is even wrong..

and really... i do believe song's carry on messages that are too deep to be written down without a tune.

"We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep"

- indie musicians (like the Beetles and Bob Marley)... can see things that many others cant because they spend time introspecting, listening to their heart to come up with .. well... lyrics. why is the world asleep? the unseen powers (Illuminati, Satan, etc) are .. well.. at work and suppressing us, always tempting us..

Only Jesus can break the chain and free us.

"I am the Way, the Truth and the Light. No one comes to the Father except through me"

DISCLAIMER: this are just.. late night speculations and random (or not so?) ramblings... they probably are full of biases, fallacies and other missing facts/evidence of why or what really was the reason why Chester Bennington took his own life. Honestly, i didn't know LP's lead vocal was named as so, neither do i know all about Beetles (watched the Yellow Submarine, thats about it) and Bob Marley other than that he has really cool dreadlocks and appears on memes and is associated with well.. non-conformity.

I'm sorry if i hurt anyone through whatever i've wrote about such a great person.. didn't mean any harm to anyone nor to start anything unintended.. just my.. opinion of the mind on .. suicide

18th november 2016

this morning i woke up to a nice comfortable sleep
one that i've not had for many days, yet i still find it a struggle to get out of bed
sitting there, i watched as the time ticked by

7.20..7.40... shucks class starts at 8.00
i wonder why i keep doing this, rushing myself over and over again, every single day
every single appointment. even though i tell myself that i'm not going to repeat the same mistake the next time around

then as i was walking back home it hit me. i do it for the thrill
the adrenaline rush that comes from being late and the well.. "rush" (pun intended)
in this world where the brain is constantly overloaded with stimulus
it seems hard to come across things that truely bring a sense of.. life
the numbness, i guess it can only be cured by having a break. a long break.

class, is meant to be interactive.
but it can only go so far as the students themselves responding to the good intentions of the lecturer
sitting there.. i feel like I'm lost

lost in a sea of things to do
just floating by
waiting for the next big wave to come crashing down

mingling around after class, jacking up the TP-link WR710N as an Access Point to convert the wired LAN port into a free wireless hotspot without any password required.

sandy asked me a question to tricky 2 handphone game
it was "type in the name of this level to continue" (or something like that)
and i tried the numbers, didn't work.. i decided to google, haha "main buyok", basically cheating

cheating
what does that even mean nowadays
why do we struggle so much to commit to memory so many things that are "unnecessary"
when we should be focusing our time and energy to pursue our interest

we should have more open book test.
and learn to apply knowledge instead of just repeat it.
no doubt having it on mind does help us to create links and solutions in our mind we would otherwise be unable to due to not having sufficient fundamental knowledge to base the solutions on

but yeah, basically. we should change the system.
okay enough about ranting.

it wil never end.
i guess its better to be greatful for the good things that happen

decided to attend the Harmoni Gathering. that is being held weekly this semester
it's a mistake. its too frequent and it's burning out the committee
UMS doesn't function like highschool
the Gatherings of all denominations and ministries should be done at a less frequent frequency
as in maybe once a month would be much better

there are many reasons behind this, but i shall leave going into details for another day

thank God there was a prompting to bring along the laptop today
it was needed. how i wish i could carry this lappy everywhere i went.
the desire to get a mac Air is so tempting. but until i start working on my own and earning my own
i shall put off any desire to upgrade from my perfectly working moto G (1st gen) to the Google Pixel
or this Acer Aspire which has a GT 630M, i5, 16 GB ram and a 128 samsung SSD.

sigh, why do i keep looking to upgrade things when i dont even fully utilize the power they have.
its a sin. a sin that i need to overcome, greed. is a form of.. desiring and not being greatful with what i currently have.

came back home at around 2.30 ish. took a nice afternoon nap
i really sleep alot more now adays
i like sleeping
its like an escape from reality

woke up to getting ready to meet sir Alan from the Kebudayaan section in Anjung Siswa
i wonder why we are so fearful to meet him
he is a nice guy, just that he tries to get others to reach his expectations
well it's also partially because his job is on the line i guess
because whatever we as students choose to do, at the end he is the one held responsible
it weights heavier on him than on us in a certain way

dear God, unite us

went to play a few rounds of frisbee
sigh i miss the times being so free to toss
i wonder why i got myself into this
taking up this responsibility, was it nessasary?
i dont seem to enjoy myself doing it
i wish i could turn back time to that moment i was sitting on the bench at the ocean
and decline the offer from Mathilda.
really, its not like i'm engaging more with the people that i'm supposed to be close with
its not like i'm growing

or am i?

God, what did you get me into?
(i feel like the isrealites complaining in the desert after being brought out of "good" life in Egypt)

least i incite the wrath of the Lord
bring be remose and repentance for my ego and pride
who am i, but to be a servant for my King

do not live a life of disobedience on the wide path
though it may seem like an easier route with more fun,
with less responsibilities more time and freedom

it is the idleness that will shackle us

home, dinner

went over to Rev Eric's house for Confirmation class

Holy Spirit burn like a fire in me, consume me.
We're about to get confirmed this sunday by the Bishop of the Diocese of Sabah and be part of the Anglican church. something that the Baptist didn't do, laying of hands, transubstantiation, baptism at first believing... so many things to learn, so many things to develop, so little time. i dont like saying that. everyone has the same amount of time its just how we choose to use it.

came home to watch finding Dory
the love of parents so... never failing

owh.. 19th
today's my dad's birthday, i should wish him
maybe in the morning
and it's bersih 5.0 too
dear God, bring peace.

amen.

climate change

we are burning ourselves to extinction.
fossil fuels release too much carbon into the air,
heating the earth up to a tipping point that's gonna be catastrophic, globally.

whatever sentient life that comes after humanity will marvel at our industrial chimneys
i wonder if they'll ever know that it was our greed and pride that wiped us all out.

=X

do you know why i dont like talking to you?
because i don't like other people listening to what i have to say.

just like how you dont like your housemate saying "sensitive" things in the whatsapp group.
so i too dont want to become that person.

its not that i'm quite,
it's just that you always want me to me noisy.

bad day

yesterday was a good day, it started off with reading the first three chapters of Romans (cause Jeff asked for it). the day went on smoothly and i felt that it was productive and efficient. it was nice fun, and i had times to be with loved ones. well, yesterday i didnt have any class and it was blissful.

but today, oh hell, today was a bad day
i didn't have a morning class and could sleep as much as i wanted
but i woke up and used whastapp and the laptop first instead of seeking You
i said i would do it first thing in the morning to prioritize you, but heck.

distractions.

the first bad thing that happened today was that i went to school and supposed to have lunch with Crystal after cancelling lunch with Daryl because he had class (which was cancelled and he asked for lunch again, but i had to reject because i already had a "date") which didn't work out in the end because i didn't bring an extra helmet (i didn't know i was supposed to fecth) i taught that she would meet there along with joyce.but screw it, i just enojyed my rice and fried batter fish.

the second bad thing that happened was that a lady wanted to sit down, and i looked like i was going off but didn't. i should have offered my place to her (she looked like a tourist) i wasn't very hospitable or warm. i felt so guilty. later on a place with a better view opened up but i missed the opportunity by being selfish. thankfully that was rectified when i saw some juniors and offered them to share the table with me. theres something about people not sharing tables with strangers nowadays. so unfriendly.

the third thing that happened was that i came home early and instead of spending quite time was that i played far cry 3 instead. well it was fun, i enjoyed it. browsed Steam and was thinking what if i took down the path of a gamer. and life, why is there so many things to do but so little time

the fourth thing that happened was frisbee. this was fun, i'm glad i decided to cycle there. the sweat the adrenaline the jopy the fun. its all worth it. the only mistake was that i wore my xiaomi band to play, and it poped out without me knowing, i only later on founbd out about it when i got home.
owh well, it was a free gift from Chun Hao, thanks while it lasted it was fun. used it quite a bit in the beginning but later on i really didn't bother to check the apps anymore. this social fitness thing is really rubbish. why else do i want to share my results to others than to show off.

owh and i spilled Dom Benedictine (its sweet) on my freshly washed bed sheet and sunned mattress.
i tauhgt of just leaving it, but.. my housemate encouraged me to wash it again, least the ants come.

so yeah, life.
is.. hard enough.
i dont want to make it harder,
please. please just....

i'm currently waiting in the living roof for dinner.
i turned down going out with wai yip and Mivoli,
just to... shut out every one.

i feel like shutting out everyone.

un-used to laws

today was the first day of the semester.
i parked my bike under the foyer.

and got a saman.

sigh, gotta get back to being use.
by laws