18th november 2016

this morning i woke up to a nice comfortable sleep
one that i've not had for many days, yet i still find it a struggle to get out of bed
sitting there, i watched as the time ticked by

7.20..7.40... shucks class starts at 8.00
i wonder why i keep doing this, rushing myself over and over again, every single day
every single appointment. even though i tell myself that i'm not going to repeat the same mistake the next time around

then as i was walking back home it hit me. i do it for the thrill
the adrenaline rush that comes from being late and the well.. "rush" (pun intended)
in this world where the brain is constantly overloaded with stimulus
it seems hard to come across things that truely bring a sense of.. life
the numbness, i guess it can only be cured by having a break. a long break.

class, is meant to be interactive.
but it can only go so far as the students themselves responding to the good intentions of the lecturer
sitting there.. i feel like I'm lost

lost in a sea of things to do
just floating by
waiting for the next big wave to come crashing down

mingling around after class, jacking up the TP-link WR710N as an Access Point to convert the wired LAN port into a free wireless hotspot without any password required.

sandy asked me a question to tricky 2 handphone game
it was "type in the name of this level to continue" (or something like that)
and i tried the numbers, didn't work.. i decided to google, haha "main buyok", basically cheating

cheating
what does that even mean nowadays
why do we struggle so much to commit to memory so many things that are "unnecessary"
when we should be focusing our time and energy to pursue our interest

we should have more open book test.
and learn to apply knowledge instead of just repeat it.
no doubt having it on mind does help us to create links and solutions in our mind we would otherwise be unable to due to not having sufficient fundamental knowledge to base the solutions on

but yeah, basically. we should change the system.
okay enough about ranting.

it wil never end.
i guess its better to be greatful for the good things that happen

decided to attend the Harmoni Gathering. that is being held weekly this semester
it's a mistake. its too frequent and it's burning out the committee
UMS doesn't function like highschool
the Gatherings of all denominations and ministries should be done at a less frequent frequency
as in maybe once a month would be much better

there are many reasons behind this, but i shall leave going into details for another day

thank God there was a prompting to bring along the laptop today
it was needed. how i wish i could carry this lappy everywhere i went.
the desire to get a mac Air is so tempting. but until i start working on my own and earning my own
i shall put off any desire to upgrade from my perfectly working moto G (1st gen) to the Google Pixel
or this Acer Aspire which has a GT 630M, i5, 16 GB ram and a 128 samsung SSD.

sigh, why do i keep looking to upgrade things when i dont even fully utilize the power they have.
its a sin. a sin that i need to overcome, greed. is a form of.. desiring and not being greatful with what i currently have.

came back home at around 2.30 ish. took a nice afternoon nap
i really sleep alot more now adays
i like sleeping
its like an escape from reality

woke up to getting ready to meet sir Alan from the Kebudayaan section in Anjung Siswa
i wonder why we are so fearful to meet him
he is a nice guy, just that he tries to get others to reach his expectations
well it's also partially because his job is on the line i guess
because whatever we as students choose to do, at the end he is the one held responsible
it weights heavier on him than on us in a certain way

dear God, unite us

went to play a few rounds of frisbee
sigh i miss the times being so free to toss
i wonder why i got myself into this
taking up this responsibility, was it nessasary?
i dont seem to enjoy myself doing it
i wish i could turn back time to that moment i was sitting on the bench at the ocean
and decline the offer from Mathilda.
really, its not like i'm engaging more with the people that i'm supposed to be close with
its not like i'm growing

or am i?

God, what did you get me into?
(i feel like the isrealites complaining in the desert after being brought out of "good" life in Egypt)

least i incite the wrath of the Lord
bring be remose and repentance for my ego and pride
who am i, but to be a servant for my King

do not live a life of disobedience on the wide path
though it may seem like an easier route with more fun,
with less responsibilities more time and freedom

it is the idleness that will shackle us

home, dinner

went over to Rev Eric's house for Confirmation class

Holy Spirit burn like a fire in me, consume me.
We're about to get confirmed this sunday by the Bishop of the Diocese of Sabah and be part of the Anglican church. something that the Baptist didn't do, laying of hands, transubstantiation, baptism at first believing... so many things to learn, so many things to develop, so little time. i dont like saying that. everyone has the same amount of time its just how we choose to use it.

came home to watch finding Dory
the love of parents so... never failing

owh.. 19th
today's my dad's birthday, i should wish him
maybe in the morning
and it's bersih 5.0 too
dear God, bring peace.

amen.