Sunday, November 27, 2016

base reality is God

so a whole week passed without any blog post,
guess i couldn't keep up the daily life log thing.

a few higlights of this week was the Global Leader's Summit for emerging leaders held in All Saint's
Good stuff. learnt more there than i ever did in .. the year?
they have very very good insights

however i don't think there was adeqaute time to lean how to apply them
of think them through

i wish there was more thinking time.
to ponder and contemplate, to meditate and really substantiate it
concertize.. if it even is a word.

sigh the month of november is coming to and end.
just reading a few philosophical thoughts on weather we exist because we think
or that reality is there and its how we perceive it.

i'e Kant and the idea that everything is only in our mind.
and some Maurice Blondell stuff..

anyways here's my take on it,

Base reality = God
everything stems out from Him,
since He was there at the beginning

hence,
the best course of action to take would be to base our every existence on Him,
all actions have a context, they have antecedence and consequences

structure, mystery power
action = make, practice, contemplate

Sunday, November 20, 2016

A Sunday

Today was out confirmation.
I was supposed to wake up at 7.20 and get ready going to crystals place to pick her up by 8.20.
Cause we needed to be in church by 8.30 for rehearsal.

When I went to her house, she asked why wasn't my shirt ironed,
We arrived at 8.45

I really need to reconsider my time frame of things,
Don't know why I'm always late,
Always.

Was it because I subconsciously think it is better to be late?

Anyway we got confirmed into the Anglican Church
Hence, the Lord's Prayer, keeping the Ten Commandments, the apostles creed
The 39 articles of faith, etc...


Renouncing sin, the works of the devil, the desires of the world, carnal flesh,
Etc...

Yeah, hopefully no more winning after this.
By the power of the Holy Spirit,
Help me to do my utmost best for you Lord,

To dwell in your word,
And grow in you as a branch connected to the vine.

Came home after lunch
To a good nap

And then kg. Sembulan
Was worth it,
The double rainbow at the end of the day is God's promise to us
That he is with us

It is worth it,
Jesus was always for helping others.

Went to 1B for dinner and shopping with wai yip, Zoey and some juniors.
Fixed the toilet lamp,

Now ready for bed.
Goodnight

Saturday, November 19, 2016

bleh, a saturday

saturday morning
i could have gone for frisbee, the UMS hat. good ol' days
but nope i was at home

woke up as late as i wanted too
is it better to fill one's day with things to do and get exhausted?
or should one have a laid back life and just enjoy the time.. that seems to pass by extra fast

how does one make time slow down?
diley-delaid until 12.30 then went to take a shower
had lunch with crystal, wai yip, zoey and sam at Bunker's cafe
took some pictures for google maps

she asked me if it was okay to wear her pejamas out,
yeah sure it was find, her friend did it too.

its comfortable

came home and decided to hardcore FYP, made some progress,
though i dont really think it's any real progress actually

sigh, this thing is eating away at my mind
dear God is it even possible?

work work work

at 4.30 we went over to zoey's place for a joint cell meeting
Zion cell is really one thing, crazy bunch of peeps
laughed, so much
and had fun, in a long time

today: the past, present and future,
am i really living out what i preach
its a different story
i dont know

i dont know anymore
to be sure of God
ontho-theo-logically
the metaphysics of being

beings and Beings
created and Creator

why, why am i in this point of life?
lost, feel so lost

Fyp

statistics
linear regression
elevational changes
statistics

zz


had lunch at Mdm Wong's near D'Archie corner
good lanb chop
but still, the most worth it has to be the chiken chop
the chiken chop wins all the time

remmeber that

i feel bad for not remembering to do push-ups for my darling
cause its her time of the month

not very caring not thinking of her all the time

i forgot to call my dad, it's his birthday today
he went for bersih
i should call him tmr

messy, so messy

i,, just want to go sleep
and run away from all the problems

anxiety

anxiousness.
dear God.. how can i present it to you
so thath your Peace that trancends all understanding will guard my heart and mind

gah

goodnight

i'm going to sleep
gotta wake up fresh for the Confirmation service tmr,
Ho;y Spirit, fill me. fill us.

to know
to know
to konw you
to be close to You

to be filled by You
to love You, more and more each and every day
 i want to love

and feel loved

18th november 2016

this morning i woke up to a nice comfortable sleep
one that i've not had for many days, yet i still find it a struggle to get out of bed
sitting there, i watched as the time ticked by

7.20..7.40... shucks class starts at 8.00
i wonder why i keep doing this, rushing myself over and over again, every single day
every single appointment. even though i tell myself that i'm not going to repeat the same mistake the next time around

then as i was walking back home it hit me. i do it for the thrill
the adrenaline rush that comes from being late and the well.. "rush" (pun intended)
in this world where the brain is constantly overloaded with stimulus
it seems hard to come across things that truely bring a sense of.. life
the numbness, i guess it can only be cured by having a break. a long break.

class, is meant to be interactive.
but it can only go so far as the students themselves responding to the good intentions of the lecturer
sitting there.. i feel like I'm lost

lost in a sea of things to do
just floating by
waiting for the next big wave to come crashing down

mingling around after class, jacking up the TP-link WR710N as an Access Point to convert the wired LAN port into a free wireless hotspot without any password required.

sandy asked me a question to tricky 2 handphone game
it was "type in the name of this level to continue" (or something like that)
and i tried the numbers, didn't work.. i decided to google, haha "main buyok", basically cheating

cheating
what does that even mean nowadays
why do we struggle so much to commit to memory so many things that are "unnecessary"
when we should be focusing our time and energy to pursue our interest

we should have more open book test.
and learn to apply knowledge instead of just repeat it.
no doubt having it on mind does help us to create links and solutions in our mind we would otherwise be unable to due to not having sufficient fundamental knowledge to base the solutions on

but yeah, basically. we should change the system.
okay enough about ranting.

it wil never end.
i guess its better to be greatful for the good things that happen

decided to attend the Harmoni Gathering. that is being held weekly this semester
it's a mistake. its too frequent and it's burning out the committee
UMS doesn't function like highschool
the Gatherings of all denominations and ministries should be done at a less frequent frequency
as in maybe once a month would be much better

there are many reasons behind this, but i shall leave going into details for another day

thank God there was a prompting to bring along the laptop today
it was needed. how i wish i could carry this lappy everywhere i went.
the desire to get a mac Air is so tempting. but until i start working on my own and earning my own
i shall put off any desire to upgrade from my perfectly working moto G (1st gen) to the Google Pixel
or this Acer Aspire which has a GT 630M, i5, 16 GB ram and a 128 samsung SSD.

sigh, why do i keep looking to upgrade things when i dont even fully utilize the power they have.
its a sin. a sin that i need to overcome, greed. is a form of.. desiring and not being greatful with what i currently have.

came back home at around 2.30 ish. took a nice afternoon nap
i really sleep alot more now adays
i like sleeping
its like an escape from reality

woke up to getting ready to meet sir Alan from the Kebudayaan section in Anjung Siswa
i wonder why we are so fearful to meet him
he is a nice guy, just that he tries to get others to reach his expectations
well it's also partially because his job is on the line i guess
because whatever we as students choose to do, at the end he is the one held responsible
it weights heavier on him than on us in a certain way

dear God, unite us

went to play a few rounds of frisbee
sigh i miss the times being so free to toss
i wonder why i got myself into this
taking up this responsibility, was it nessasary?
i dont seem to enjoy myself doing it
i wish i could turn back time to that moment i was sitting on the bench at the ocean
and decline the offer from Mathilda.
really, its not like i'm engaging more with the people that i'm supposed to be close with
its not like i'm growing

or am i?

God, what did you get me into?
(i feel like the isrealites complaining in the desert after being brought out of "good" life in Egypt)

least i incite the wrath of the Lord
bring be remose and repentance for my ego and pride
who am i, but to be a servant for my King

do not live a life of disobedience on the wide path
though it may seem like an easier route with more fun,
with less responsibilities more time and freedom

it is the idleness that will shackle us

home, dinner

went over to Rev Eric's house for Confirmation class

Holy Spirit burn like a fire in me, consume me.
We're about to get confirmed this sunday by the Bishop of the Diocese of Sabah and be part of the Anglican church. something that the Baptist didn't do, laying of hands, transubstantiation, baptism at first believing... so many things to learn, so many things to develop, so little time. i dont like saying that. everyone has the same amount of time its just how we choose to use it.

came home to watch finding Dory
the love of parents so... never failing

owh.. 19th
today's my dad's birthday, i should wish him
maybe in the morning
and it's bersih 5.0 too
dear God, bring peace.

amen.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

resolutions

i really need to get of FB, once again, been using it too much lately.

i arrived 40 minutes late for a meeting today too. really should work on "being on time"

didn't eat lunch, had no energy for excising this afternoon

today, i faced an issue of getting conformation.
growing up in a baptist church, baptism for us included knowing what we were getting ourselves into.
in the anglican church however there's this need to be confirmed by the bishop because of infant baptisms. and although i came from a baptist church and have a very clear conscience about taking the sacraments during Holy Communion, i know it doesn't do right for the Reverend giving it to me knowingly i haven't achieved the prerequisite to partaking in it along side them.

hence, instead of trying to make the church in attending conform to my beliefs as a visitor, i want to be a member of the church i have chosen to attend by subjecting myself to the law of the land. it makes more sense of me trying to understand them, then for me expecting them to understand and conform to me.

today, i decided to seek God, to read His Word.
and see.. that it does apply to my day directly and instantaneously
Luke 11 and 12 that was read came just at the right timing, that it was fresh off my mind and the Holy Spirit could use it on my lips.

the situation is such that certain people whom have grown up in a Christian environment still chose to forsake God and take the "wider" path, a bit it being more sorrowful and sad.

in this Millennials Generation, we see a mix of Heros, Prophets, Artist and Nomads.
even in one's own phases of life.

i think i'm so into travelling, backpacking and minimalism now because i'm in the Nomad stage of life (just transitioning out from... a Hero?), in the sense that i was once a very law abiding kid. and now chose to be a rebellious, rule-breaker nomad.. just trying out new things a=or being very unsatisfied with how life has been.

i wish to go back to the old ways.
maybe i'll be an artist one day.. who knows.
to create blog post does help my brains function better the past few days

 sigh,
so many things on the to do list
1. internship
2. FYP
3. HoB assignment
4. video assingment
5. ... well... wow thats almost about it.

PK, campouslife, frisbee, so ... i guess i do dont have that many things,
time to reclaim back life.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

saeculum

so i got my iPad back. checked all my emails, especially the Pocket. i've not read articles, good ones for quite some time.

nor have i been journaling, writing my thoughts down.
it is nice to unravel at the end of each day, i remember i used to do it religiously back when i was a kid. first with pencil and paper and then moving on to this blog (as seen in the archives)

i've been watching some youtube videos and reading things lately regarding the goodness of writing down out thoughts, on how it helps one to clear the mind and give a good nights rest,

have you ever had that moments in life when you dont wake up from a sleep feeling rested?
but instead worst off? i do. frequently now adays actually. its horrible.

but in the last few days life has been better. i guess it comes with exercise and doing the things that one loves to do.

i think i've said all this before. i dont know why i keep repeating myself. as if.. i can't move on. i would really like the feeling of peaking again. i guess this is all just part of the natural cycle... regression.. entropy, destruction.. just waiting for regrowth and maturation once again..

today

i woke up around 9.30 something. on the most comfortable bed with the fluffiest pillow beside duckducky and dogdoggy. and a really soft red cotton blanket. a nice cotton blanket. much nicer that my blue sleeping bad (its not really mine, someone left it in the House of Joy... and i adopted it because i brought back my grey body pack one), If I had to make the choice, I would go for a nice cotton blanket that could go all the way over my head... compared to a sleeping bag.

made milo wtih oats. part of life is learning how to make a meal wherever we are in the moment. i wanted to go home to make breakfast, just because it would be a more "comfortable" place, knowing where my things were and just how accustomed I've grown to it.

staying longer had its perks, Joyce came down with my torch light, the Fenix E25 which I lent to them over the Ice Cream Project. Part of life is being no worried when sharing expensive items with friends and letting them use awesome tech.

rode the bike home, it was around 10 plus, washed clothes took a shower, watched some videos, played the guitar. and then it was time to go pick my Darling up for lunch.

we ate at the new Kingfisher food court. it was really tasty pork fat and sour vegetable laksa-ish noodles. went back over to her place, haha she taught her lab was at 2pm, but it was actually at 1. owh well... better late than never right

then i came home, rushed an assignment on Foreign Direct Investments in the IMS-Growth Triangle. Ah, I didn't know so much about it until today. a weeks worth of work in an hour. sigh...

rode the bike like a crazy maniac trying to reach school before the dateline of 4pm. i should really learn how to organize my time better so that the day is planned out in a smoother more continuous flow instead of always having to travel back and fourth so often.

came home to find her. took a nice evening nap while the rain cooled down the day.

awoke to cooking dinner time, some really funky herbal soup. watched and then went to decompost the leftovers, phewh, the papaya is really giving out a strong smell.

night has arrived. it has been a good day. my muscles are all aching from the excerises yesterday. its a good feeling . to strive, to feel the pain, to heal and... come out stronger.

its all part of a cycle. a never ending cycle. choose the outcomes of tomorrow, by preparing what to do today.

Seek God, whom has been there since the begging of time.

Monday, November 07, 2016

climate change

we are burning ourselves to extinction.
fossil fuels release too much carbon into the air,
heating the earth up to a tipping point that's gonna be catastrophic, globally.

whatever sentient life that comes after humanity will marvel at our industrial chimneys
i wonder if they'll ever know that it was our greed and pride that wiped us all out.

Friday, October 28, 2016

the One whom calms

just finished collecting data on top of the mountain for 5 days
thank You for calming the storm.
Where is my faith?

the inner man inside that has been weakened
by all the wrong choices made.

turn be back to You,
to walk Your path's again

to fulfill my vows to You