Thursday, December 18, 2014

world's system

was looking down from a condominium..
after cramp studying for and upcomin APK exam later

decided to take a breath of fresh air and enjoy the view
at a distance
i could heard the sound of cars in a near by highway..
the kampung was filled with coconut palms and other trees..
so different from the developed area

then i heard
engines starting doors closing from the car park bellow me,
a lady was taking some catering trays
i presume are home cook food for her stall

sigh... is life really made to be working to earn money and following the organization
to mold our daily activities around societies norms and expectations?

"the more integrated we get into the system of the world,
the further away we are drawn from God"

Sunday, December 14, 2014

What to eat, what is in my bag

If the poor can still be alive to see the next day, then who am i to worry about what i should eat tomorrow, what should i wear where should i live or rest my head at night to sleep?

Take with you no bag, least you become sentimental to the things of this world, and start worrying about thieves that steal your possessions ... Truth is, when they take away what is outside, they are freeing you. What they cannot take away is in your heart. What fire they cannot quench with cold shoulders, false accusations and bullying words. Shall only cause your passion and dependence on God to grow stronger.

Take with you no riches of your own, and find that your Father in heaven owns the storehouses of gold and everything else on earth.

Who even gave the value to 'precious metals' and gold chains anyway? Aren't they just rocks spewed out from the earth?

Saturday, December 13, 2014

"Hold My Hand dear Child"

>>there something about kneeling down.
not just a methphorical sign of submission...

but when the one on stage says to himself
"i'm not just going to sing words that my actions dont follow"

i am falling to my knees,
i need you Lord to Breath in me...
my prayer is still the same

>>and then there something about just saying
and waiting for His reply

>>then as i hold His hand in my heart,
i realize how stupid i was to no have known the Father all this time,
to not have sleeked His counsel daily
my my heart weeps

i have not felt your touch for so long,
thus how could i have been touching others with Your love if it wasnt in me in the first place.

>>then the door opens
and i realize how true it is that one should "go into a closet and lock the door to pray"
disruptions, distractions... friends, love.

or waking up early in the wee hours of the morning at 6am..
there you can find solace

make up

at the end of the day,
when the sun goes down and night's shadows come up
no body see's the face anymore

the only part i dont like,
is removing the make up.
washing my hair with all that wax inside

why do people have to put foundation, powder and eye liners,
why do i need to look like a doll and put on a cheesy smile

for the musical, for the audience, no for God
for an audience of One

i love being in this musical, the 60 days of countdown,
the every-night 2 week long practices from 8-11

thank God its only 3 days.
i dont think i can put make up on everyday for the rest of my life,

i wonder how people who have to do it live,
its probably like wearing cloths to them,

judge not shall i, least i am judged.
but still... i feel its like ..a .. mask.. masquerading truly

that make up gives us a shell to hide behind,
our emotions are blocked in as much as our skin suffocates from breathing

thats why when we see people with mascara rolling down their cheeks,
washed away by tears... owh how it reminds me that His Blood washes me whiter than the snow

at the end of the day,
before we lay our head to rest,
we shall remove this layer

until then, the Son of Man has no place to lay his head,
but He promises to give rest and refuge to those who are weary and heavy laden.

i'm not weary...
because im not working.

count not my days Lord,
for i dont want to know when my time is up,
yet remind me each day, that every one is a blessing,
least i take for granted
"every breath i breath i breath in you,
you make me move, Jesus"

you make me sing,
you make me dance,
this musical is for you.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Secular Songs

As a christian.. Can i sing secular songs...?

That go against the Word of God..
Glorifying the flesh.

Even if they have nice melodies,
What good is my voice box..

If my lips and tongue don't praise my Lord,

Christ... I'm beginning to sing empty praise and worship songs.. Memorised ... And focused on melodies, harmonising, 2nd and 3rd voices... instead of You

God, you aren't my centre anymore.

Draw me back,
Andi shan't sing
Till my heart means it,
Till my actions speak it.

Friday, December 05, 2014


When I pray, it's not in accordance to your will. I pray you will bless and anoint me... So that I can show off to others how good I am. Not how good You are. At the core of my life is still me. My ego and my pride.

I can't bear to sing the songs or "restoring to me the joy of your salvation" or "this is my desire"

I don't honour you. I memories words and articulate them without meaning them. Focusing more on the melody and harmony more than the person I'm presenting it to.

My audience is not You. It is the people around me in the room.

Just like how a lot of other things I do by rituals: "preaching and doing things in Your name" ... Without knowing You.

You've called me countless times, gave me advice and counsel ... Told me what's wrong and right... But all the time I always turned away.

Just like how flowery one can sing a song without meaning it, so can one preface a gospel without a living God.

Yet judge not should I.
For it is Thee that enables us.
I am wicked and wretched,
Far from saving myself in anyway.

I trust in my abilities,
My skills and talents to earn me a living.
I dare not trust You.

Even if I say I do,
"Give you my life",
Yet truthfully I do not.

Yet honestly, I am but a hippocrate

I love the world me re than you,
Choose to serve it as my master instead if you.

Truth in Your Word, one can only serve one. I will hate You and love the other, the world.

I will stand in the crowds mocking and calling out to release the criminal and thus... to crucify you.

You've called me out in the waters... Yet I still deny you.

And only when the night darkens... When the earth shakes... And the sky rips apart. .

Shall I woefully bear my chest.
And ponder upon all the time I have wasted.
Not living the life Eternally.

" now this is eternal life, to know you and the one who sent you"

I do not know,
I know about.
I do not follow,
I act to look like I do.
I do not listen,
I hear and disobey.

I like a grass... Swaying in the best wind.
Waiting for my day to come,
To be thrown into the fire and burnt.

Forget me not Lord,
Like the little silver and gold that purifies in a crucible...

Let your fire,
Burn away all that is not of You.

Consume me.

Tuesday, December 02, 2014

Thursday, November 27, 2014

The people we see around us

What if, everyone one we meet was just an image. Not an imagination. But just an extension of our existence. Regardless of time, we might be looking at someone we oddly know somehow, because our future or past self broke through the self made barrier that gives us the perception of reality that defines what 'now' is.

And that in essence, there is no such thing as time or materials or ideas for that matter to begin with. In the beginning, there was nothing, but creation happened. Sentience began and we received wisdom that enabled us understanding of knowledge. Powerful

We now know and are aware because we can learn and be educated.

Am currently reading a book entitled "time and the soul" by Jacob needleman, when the first paragraph popped up in my mind. Yet, thanks be to God the Original Creator that... He guards my heart and dismisses the doubts I have.

Treasure this relationship you have dear reader.

As I read, I realise how some are so enveloped in darkness, a thick fog clouding the eyes. Yet in Christ, light shines through. And by Him I see everything else.

You're alive.
Something made you.

The only way to

Tremendous power..

Human says that power corrupts .
As evident in history, it does.

It blinds us. Makes us greedy for more.
However, there was one guy who showed power... Over sickness, death, chaos... Tremendous power..

Yet utterly controlled.

And He, is the only one that can help and enable you if you want the same... The only way... This is the truth.

You're alive.