when will I ever...

there will never ever be a perfect girl.
neither am i a perfect guy.

but there are people out there that are more suitable to be together with each other that with another person. there are so many types of personalities.

some people get energy from meeting people, chatting with them and getting to know new names.
some people just prefer the time that they can have to be by themselves.
some people enjoy music, certain kinds of music, some slow some fast.
some people cant play music at all, nor are good at languages, nor dancing, but still love to dance.
still love to do new things, and not repetitions.
some people will master a single skill,
some people can't hold their focus long enough for one thing,
some people will throw away broken things, (to save time... and if they can afford it)
some people will fix whatever they can,
its not about saving money its about.. the joy that comes in constructing something back together.
some people just like to buy new things, the latest gadgets, the latest trends and fasions,
some people just like, or more accurately.. aren't bothered .. with wearing the same old cloths for 3-4 years

some people are minimalist, some people are hoarders and preppers.
i wish i could travel with just one light backpack, like i used to in school camps, with just the essentials
now i travel with so much baggage, so much "what if i need this", so much.... tools

now i emotionally travel with thinking about so many other things.
i want to let it all go....

just lay it all down,
and be.... free again

can i still be free, while still being loved?
or would you only love me if i met certain criterias?

wouldn't i love you no matter what you did?
or do i not show i love you, when i keep blaming you for the conditions that i'm facing in life

when i stop meeting people
when i stop going out for activities,
when i stop taking up responsibilities
when i stop planning
when i dont bother to learn anymore

and i keep saying "it's because of you......"
that doesn't sound very loving

i know,
yet why do i still do it?


why?...

would you still love me

its like.. i try to be my worse self,
try to be as lazy and obnoxious as i possibly can,
just to.... push you away if it is even possible..


but why?
why do i do something so contradictory to what a relationship should be?
shouldn't it be something mutual. to love to move forward,


to do the right things.

i do feel more free now,
i do feel better

but then...

so what....

GAHHHHHHH

how long must i keep repeating this cycle, this pattern..

when will I EVER ESCAPE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ITS FRUSTRATING!
IRRITATING!

i neve... ever want to lash out at people
at a person....

it isn't right.. to snap

GOD...

i never had a rebel heart when i was a teenager in high school,
why do i have to go through it now..

i just want to return home...
i just want to be with my dad and mom...

gosh.. i'm 25 years old... when willl i ever grow up,
When will i ever mature