On Being Out of Touch With One's Feelings

this hits heads on so many nails so much...



the reason why i lash out, or why i am grumpy, mangzhang..

uninterested in conversations...



i think...



extroverts dont like to talk so much.... to people whom they are very close with

like... i it's tiring, draining even.



can we just.. go about our own lives doing our own things,

and then come back together at the end of the day

this break

how could i...
not see how much...
she loves me

sorry dear,
give me time.

i will get better,
and will call you when this is all over

be VERY INTENTIONAL

be very intentional about what your eyes see and what your ears listen to,
for that is what builds up the physical memory blocks in your brain that makes up the mind.

Out of the well spring of the heart flows out what is stored in it.
what you say and what you do, will depend on what you put in.

be very intentional with the time you spend, you only have so much a day

american corner, UMS library

is it because i always want to be somewhere else,
and my eyes keep wondering about.

why can't i just.. stay, linger around....
go with the flow instead of having "oh i got another meeting to attend to"
when can i go out for lunches with the peeps that are around,
catch up with them and all..

why do i spend my time walking around the library,
i walked pass the aisle that had Logic, Kant and Contemporary thinking... ah if only i had all the time in the world to read that which interest me!
ah they have a new corner the "American corner"

interesting...

spend time reading... magazines, MAD! woah this is OLD stuff from my childhood man

i think i know why i dont get around to doing things, my mind is just too preoccupied, too easily distracted

they have books on yellowstone, BlueRay disc on movies, Mac computers, Ipads, a "Smithsonian" themed area. so cool! i think.. i'll be spending some time here...

along with the nobel laureate room!

Harmoni gathering

"the word comes before the light" -ps saw horng yuan, Emmanuel

if you want to see changes in the community and the people around,
speak the Word into their lives, constantly.

you will be the preacher before the preacher

pray for successive and progressive transformation in your friends

let the world see that Jesus is alive in UMS!

when will I ever...

there will never ever be a perfect girl.
neither am i a perfect guy.

but there are people out there that are more suitable to be together with each other that with another person. there are so many types of personalities.

some people get energy from meeting people, chatting with them and getting to know new names.
some people just prefer the time that they can have to be by themselves.
some people enjoy music, certain kinds of music, some slow some fast.
some people cant play music at all, nor are good at languages, nor dancing, but still love to dance.
still love to do new things, and not repetitions.
some people will master a single skill,
some people can't hold their focus long enough for one thing,
some people will throw away broken things, (to save time... and if they can afford it)
some people will fix whatever they can,
its not about saving money its about.. the joy that comes in constructing something back together.
some people just like to buy new things, the latest gadgets, the latest trends and fasions,
some people just like, or more accurately.. aren't bothered .. with wearing the same old cloths for 3-4 years

some people are minimalist, some people are hoarders and preppers.
i wish i could travel with just one light backpack, like i used to in school camps, with just the essentials
now i travel with so much baggage, so much "what if i need this", so much.... tools

now i emotionally travel with thinking about so many other things.
i want to let it all go....

just lay it all down,
and be.... free again

can i still be free, while still being loved?
or would you only love me if i met certain criterias?

wouldn't i love you no matter what you did?
or do i not show i love you, when i keep blaming you for the conditions that i'm facing in life

when i stop meeting people
when i stop going out for activities,
when i stop taking up responsibilities
when i stop planning
when i dont bother to learn anymore

and i keep saying "it's because of you......"
that doesn't sound very loving

i know,
yet why do i still do it?


why?...

would you still love me

its like.. i try to be my worse self,
try to be as lazy and obnoxious as i possibly can,
just to.... push you away if it is even possible..


but why?
why do i do something so contradictory to what a relationship should be?
shouldn't it be something mutual. to love to move forward,


to do the right things.

i do feel more free now,
i do feel better

but then...

so what....

GAHHHHHHH

how long must i keep repeating this cycle, this pattern..

when will I EVER ESCAPE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ITS FRUSTRATING!
IRRITATING!

i neve... ever want to lash out at people
at a person....

it isn't right.. to snap

GOD...

i never had a rebel heart when i was a teenager in high school,
why do i have to go through it now..

i just want to return home...
i just want to be with my dad and mom...

gosh.. i'm 25 years old... when willl i ever grow up,
When will i ever mature

one poem two people or is it... two people one poem

i wonder if it is possible,
for two people to ever write the same poem

stop blaming her, authenticity

1) stop blaming her
2) stop saying "last time things were better.."


i'm thankful that my mom gave birth to me.
the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

There are so many things... that i feel right now.
like string theory.

as if, the strings that have bounded me have been cut off,
should i feel more free? should i feel happy?
I dont know, what if it's not a good thing?

this ia... one of the first few nights..
i called my mom, its my parents anniversary

my dad said.. don't worry
focus on your studies.

should i save some rent by going to stay with my aunt?
that would be closer to church, but how will i get to school? bike? cycle?
am i even allowed to work part time?
i mean, i'm a full time student...
i'm supposed to be in the school from 8-5?

nooo, thats why i came back from Sepilok

i HATE fixed working hours...
i want flex working hours... well they always say.. that's IF i actually can get to do any work outside of those hours...

i always "I'm traumatised....."...  by what? by work? by people? by the things of this world?

get a grip on yourself, you never used to blame anything outside your control as the reason of being in your circumstances. you could always submit it to God and know that He was in control, just like in Psalms 23.... that is until you met people that kept constantly reminding you otherwise..

toxic

Mart and Martha,
Martha could be authentic before Jesus.
she straight out told the Lord "don't you care???? that my sister as left all the work to mee??"
she didn't need to put on a mask, she just spoke out her mind,
and that's what we should be doing.. speaking it out..

not living a life of hiding

we watched this
https://www.facebook.com/redtabletalk/videos/248366862696188/

it was about .... just being able to .. talk it out
i like how they took a break... to find out what each other really desires
i think it's important for people to take breaks,
you know, sometimes people forget themselves in a relationship
and they start to feel miserable,
especially when you cant let go,
but i'm not saying that the break is going to be forever,
its just a short temporary thing,
to find one's self... and then when both are ready,
to get back together as better people

i dont understand why some people dont understand the idea of taking breaks
owh well, i'm glad i got mine... mutually

you know what...
i'm super grateful,
i really love you.
and i dont want to take you for granted
that's why i NEED this break.

so that i can learn to love you better

Listen to God's voice, again

Doing the second Bible reading plan with Abel and Kevin.
Whisper: How to hear the voice of God - Mark Batterson

--------- i wrote this there initially, but decided it should go here, cause its a rant, and i don't want to complain to humans anymore------

I would love to hear His voice everyday.
Although most of it might be rebuke,
Yet at least its better than nothing.
Maybe I've heard it but paid no heed/attention to Him before, too many times.

But everyday is a new day.
And i would like to start listening to His voice again.

-------------------- this is what i wrote for them, more optimistic and answers the question, following instructions, the positive side of things --------------------
Q: When was the last time you heard God’s voice? What did He say or ask? How did you respond? 

A: About a week ago?
The song Obsession by Delirious
God says He loves me
I just laid on the bed and let the tears stream down

Listen to the right voice

"You can give your attention, your mental alertness, your curiosity, and your intelligence. Listening is not only a function of biological acoustics; it is a spiritual skill of the soul. " - Eugene Peterson

How many times has my mind wondered about on the things that are nit of God? I would love to read and devour information regarding the occult and dark secrets of black magic, numerology, witchcraft, sorcery, transcendence, crystals and all that is perverse and disgustingly rotten.

Yet i do not. Why? Because i want to give my curiosity and intelligence to the things of God first and foremost. Theology maybe? Bible study? Worship?

I want to spend hours of days just basking in your presence listening to You Lord.

I want my soul to be able to listen

Devotion

"Disobedience is fairly easy to diagnose. Among the usual symptoms are sluggish moral reflexes, an uneasy conscience that interferes with your digestion, a load of guilt that makes you tire easily, and a low-grade depression that saps you of creative energies. " -day 1, every step an arrival by Eugene Peterson.

I thick so many boxes.
I've been living so long in it, can can eat normally...

But i choose Christ today
I will not let my past hold me back from being in the present.
And I'm excited for what the future holds!

Thank you for doing this plan with me Abel and Kelvin

chasing the sunset

https://www.thestar.com.my/news/world/2018/10/31/couple-die-in-yosemite-national-park-while-apparently-taking-selfie/

holidays and happily ever after,
how many of us sit on the ledge of a cliff,
how many of us realise,
that we all sit on the edge of life everyday.

We'll never know,
when will our happily ever after start.

My condolences to the family and friends.
That lost them to such risk, such pursuit of 'happiness',
may they Rest in P..e..a..c.....e?

why do we even use that acronym.
RIP..



how.. ironic

they wrote
"

holidaysandhappilyeverafters

CHASING SUNSETS or CHASING LIKES ??? 😛
...
Sooo today on #socialmediabadasstribe we are talking about limits of #doitforthegram.😶Yeah sure it can be limitless but guys, we reaaaallly need to have boundaries(this is handy as life lessons too but we will revisit that later😉)
A lot of us including yours truly is a fan of daredevilry attempts of standing at the edge of cliffs ⛰and skyscrapers🌆, but did you know that wind gusts can be FATAL??? ☠️ Is our life just worth one photo?
...
When we squirm at another selfie attempt gone south 😱 from a skyscraper, let’s remember to save that in our core memory 🧠 and not the memory dump 🛢(I am still on the Inside Out 🎬 train y'all 😬) Same applies when we get our knickers in a twist and hog a spot till we get the perfect shot🙄 I know I know, I am guilty as charged for all of this 🤦‍♀️ and if I didn’t have Mr. Two Goody Shoes, Vishnu 🤭 with me, I am not even sure if I would have written this post.
...
Let us all try to be responsible digital citizens and use our “numbers” to be transparent and honest, shall we?🤗 None of us is perfect and the more we accept it and share our flaws as much as our wins, we are one step closer to creating a sane social media without the scary brouhahas.💕✨"

sigh.....

its like... we know about the dangers,

yet we sill put ourselves in it.

boundaries and memories

“Children who are not encouraged to do, to try, to explore, to master, and to risk failure, often feel helpless and inadequate. Over-controlled by anxious, fearful parents, these children often become anxious and fearful themselves. This makes it difficult for them to mature. Many never outgrow the need for ongoing parental guidance and control. As a result, their parents continue to invade, manipulate, and frequently dominate their lives.” 
― Susan Forward, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Was it because of my time around people that were controlling,
that i have become fearful of being who i am?

My biological parents were wonderful, they were the ones that gave me freedom yet led me in bibical ways. Its the institutions and organisations and hierarchy of men that has polluted and made toxic my mind and heart and thoughts. As a results of me not watching over it and working out my faith with Christ.

“Don't go overboard in praising required behavior: 'We have only done our duty' (Luke 17:10). But do go overboard when your child confesses the truth, repents honestly, takes chances, and loves openly. Praise the developing character in your child as it emerges in active, loving, responsible behavior.” 
― Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

My parents brought me up well, what have i become now? was it because i threw away my boundaries?

“Evaluating the benefits and drawbacks of any relationship is your responsibility. You do not have to passively accept what is brought to you. You can choose.” 
― Deborah Day

I don't want to constantly have to live around people that bring me down,
or should I be a light no matter where I am placed?

Grandma Eu Pui shared something on boundaries the other day,
but I can't remember. was trying to look up the phrase on the net,
came to goodreads, where they had a collection of sayings from various places
I wish i had the time to read all those books and, self heal.

but now it's not the time to do so.

adam and eve and me

i read the story of adam and eve.

and i used to think to myself:
"ah, how silly they listened to tempter and gave in,
if i was in their shoes i wouldn't have made the same mistake!"

how.. not.. true it is.. not that i look at it.

how foolish i was to think that i wouldn't have sinned

we're constantly being face with the challenge.

every day... satan is tempting us to disobey God.

and yes, many times i've failed... many times i've given in.

sigh

but then.... what is the Gospel and Good News?

that God has a way to redeem us from all our mistakes?

the grace.. and mercy.. and forgiveness and... compassion

my flesh wants to feel angry and hate your friends for asking this kind of questions, but the Spirit tells me that i should love them instead, and see that their questions are actually good questions... they are questions that come from friends that care about you

drone crash, if i was on that plane...

i want to be famous for being unfamous.

today in the morning we woke up at 5 am
we went to a flying field in tuaran.

Jim briefed me on the instructions to launch the plane.
"ARM!" the motor will start, i wait for 1 second and toss it.

He switched on te controller, the throttle started,
and i threw the plane.

He was devastated, it wasn't supposed to be like this.

it flew for about 10-20 seconds, and then crashed.
oh my goodness....

God.

i went to search for it, now i know how hard it is to find a missing plane
I walked through the fields, quite a distance off to where the plane went...

found it across the dirt path hanging on a tree..
the front part ripped out by the battery.

Gosh... this looks.. bad..

If only i could jump back in time.
If only i didn't let the plane go without listening to the code word first.
If only i'd pay more attention to instructions and listen attentively

owh well, Jim was really nice towards me.
He comforted and did not show anger
He.. loved and cared

God bless his soul.

He messaged his supervisor

I wonder why i live life in a fog.
like.. why is my mind.. not cleared up?
why...... can i not listen to people
or understand and comprehend language
am i always trying to master everything?

am i superficial and shallow in the many disciplines that pull my interest and distract me.
what should i focus on.

like really .. master.

i dont know.

dead poets society

watched dead poets society
i want to write more poems

to live a life,
one has to be willing,
to not hold back,
yet to know daringness from foolishness,
is why wisdom is required.

and understanding,
of how memorised knowledge should be applied

mhmm not very much like a poem.

i want to live my own life,
not to be controlled by some other person's desire.
why.. why must i follow what you want me to do?

why can i not just live.

not to do what i want to do,
but to do what i know will ... make me.. happy

what will give me energy instead of,
draining me

Ignorance is bliss

the more one's mind know, the more effort is required to filter out alternative worldviews. Hence, "ignorance is bliss" that gave happiness to children, gets more elusive as an adult.

Thankfully, we know of a greater belief that surpassess all. ANd it is a joy to have faith in it.

The more we know the more responsible we become with our knowledge. Although somethings are better not said, it is always nice to find friends that we can speak out whatever is on our mind with.

Homeopathy

Homeopathy ... mmhmm i wonder if all those nights having leg pains when i was a kid.

He would wake up use yoko-yoko and wrap my leg in a bandage.
And rub it to keep it warm (which i still do, when i get muscle leg pains)
-last i remembered getting it was when i was climbing mount K
dad would also go down stairs to get two panadol pills for me.. (western treatment)

But above all that, i think what really heals was the love that he showed.
Like, it really doesn't matter what sickness one is going through,
but what's important is that there is someone else there to be there.. and be caring

"The body will ruin itself,
if the mind thinks so."
The body will heal itself,
along with the help with give it.
Why would God make a body that succumbs to diseases,
Why would a baby be born with cell that can grow and mend themselves,
But lose that ability as time goes by.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HslUzw35mc

what is joy

Joy is perfection.
When there's no disagreements, fights or conflicts.
When the thoughts of the mind is at peace with the actions of the body.
When there is no cognitive dissonance.

It can't be achieve, not here on earth by any human strength.
Thats why we have Jesus.
He's perfection.

And hence it is in Him that we can find joy.