mantis and kerangas

played with a baby mantis,
he likes to jump when a finger is placed infront of him,
and will climb up to the top

then there was a trail of kerangas ants on a wire,
they pass each other and felt each others feelers,
when they sensed i was a round some stopped and came into and aleart state
as if they wanted to bite me.

the ones carrying food would rush down without stopping.

Expanding world

Looking at the world map. It looks like the continents exploded from a small round object.

I saw a man

Fall down right infront of me, beside me.. he actually grabbed my shirt for a while.

I was reading the three body problem on my smartphone.

I couldn't react fast enough to catch him.

What have I become.

I saw a girl that seemed lost,
Didn't know which bus ticket to buy.
Didn't know where to wait,
Or where to sit

I didn't help her,

I just kept on reading,

I'm so afraid,

What have I become

An old man

Pusher a wheelchair,
And waited for his lady at the end of the travellator.

Flight appointments

I dreamt that I missed the flight, twice.
So real.
Do my appointments with God even seem that important?

Light up my darkness

E B C#m A

Praise you when im laughing
Praise you when I'm griving
Shine, oh shine

In the darkest of my moments,
In the hardest of my times,
Shine, oh shine.

Chorus:
You are the light,
To my world,
You're the strength,
When I'm weak

Bridge
When the whole world is against me,
I will not fear, i will not be shaken,
Because you are here.

Lessons from a Spider

While i was bathing, saw a wasp struggling a little funny along the wall,
It was caught by such a thin thread,
Of spider silk (just like how one small strand of sin can catch man).

A daddy long legs came to consume it, everytime it struggled, thats when the predator knew which direction would bring him nearer to his meal. (Don't struggle, just give in and be honest)

While eating halfway, another spider came out called by the tremors. But the first spider chased away the new comer, although bigger (fight for what is precious and worth protecting, even when the obstacles that come along seems daunting).

And later on he continued on,
I too finished off my shower.

after singing`

She asked a question, i didn't know how to answer...
life has been.. getting better.. as if the path was.. finally going somewhere

i sang... i sung.. singing...... and played strings...

and after that, i felt as if there were lose things coming out from my nasal cavity.

so i went to the sink and spat them out.. and they kept coming out...
as if.. something that has been lodged and pressing against my brain... has came out..

like.. finally...

sigh... i want to think more clearly, God... help me.... help me... i need you.. to love, to love her. the right way.

Worship

"that's​ the closest that we had ever come to AoG worship".

The role of the worship leader is to lead the congregation to worship God. Just like back in the songs if the old days.

The worship leader stops singing and the congregation continues.

And he gives cues at the end of each stanza so that the people (especially projector guy and congregation, not so much the musicians), are comfortable to know where it is going to flow.

Flow, gel, these terms..

Anyways, nowadays, the speaker just blares the extremely high notes of the worship leader on stage, it has become more of a performance. And the sound ends when the ones with mics stop... The band continues to play.

Not judging. God sees our hearts and those that worship needs to be in spirit and truth.

But one needs moral authority, just like yee kor's message on Nehimiah.

Worship. Worship. Worship as a life style, worship passionately and radically

24 years old

Memories are linked to feelings and emotions.

I seem to not have feelings anymore. I type words of happiness and use smily emoticons, but i don't actually smile in real life.

Not anymore. I use the app on phones so much more than meeting people face to face.

I hate using the phone.

I just want to be alone.

The only regret i have,
Is not knowing how to say 'no' to others.

Just... Let me have time to myself.

Let me be alone.

Bird sound monitoring app

What if there was an app that could listen to bird sounds and tell what birds were in that area.

It'll be so useful for ecological monitoring.

Shereshpondosed

Not to the point of being extremely stressed, nor defeated in morale, not depressed. But a similar mix of whatever isn't delightful and affects the quality of life.

Symptoms: a clear one is not feeling rested after waking up, even if the sleep time is perceived as long enough. Maybe it comes from oversleeping, when one has had his fair share of rest, be quick to get up and jump out of bed, least laziness is given a foothold and the comfort of bed glues the body down.

A slightly mild headache. That comes in a line slightly above where the eyebrows are, crossing with the center of the nose. This goes and comes, being able to focus in when there is a time of silence, but not negligible enough to not distract one form the dialysis dealings of life.

An inability to remember. Be it names of new people or facts in stories. As if there was no foundational stem to tie the branches of endless information to. Maybe affect by just not caring enough about whom were listening to, or just not being present in the moment due to something else bothering the mind. Rushing though reading material without properly understanding is also a contributor, with the immense amount of words to skim and speed read though, we claim that there isn't enough time. Everyone has the same amount of time, we just need to be more conscious of moments.

Which brings us to the next point, feeling as if there want enough time to do everything. Piles of books that keep growing, a list of movies to watch that east the space of hard drives. Storing doesn't mean experiencing, hoarding just adds more clutter.

Leave what is behind. Let it go.

well said..

"What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one. Orwell feared those who would deprive us of information. Huxley feared those who would give us so much that we would be reduced to passivity and egoism. Orwell feared that the truth would be concealed from us. Huxley feared the truth would be drowned in a sea of irrelevance. Orwell feared we would become a captive culture. Huxley feared we would become a trivial culture." - Andrew Postman's  Father

https://www.theguardian.com/media/2017/feb/02/amusing-ourselves-to-death-neil-postman-trump-orwell-huxley?utm_source=pocket&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=pockethits

homework

the more homework you do, the more homework you get.

Family dinners

Everyday dad come home from work. We get to eat dinner as a whole family every single day (unless someone's outstation). I remember sitting on the dinning table, being the last to finish. My parents would just be chilling in the living room watching TV. And I would be up there slowly munching away, watching the same show. Haha. Family dinners together. There was so much food cooked by mom.

day 1

but I'm still new and need guidance.
( i never knew what an "overload" is)

I thought I could handle of all this myself,

but i guess it was just overconfidence,

Had the intention, the initiative, 

but no determination and discipline to follow up.

Guess this is almost like starting form ground zero,

step by step.

Day 1

Pn Norisha's office (Head of Administration Section), got the keys. and paid the deposit.

rules of the Room, safety first, lock.

secondly cleanliness.

third: no couples in the rooms.

Met Eyen 30 minutes late from scheduled time.

should have told her we were going to the office.

Got a whole load of things up her sleeve for me

even i couldn't catch everything. but from what i remember:

1. There's an arboretum being set up in RDC, i need to compile a list of dipterocarps with the areas they occur in to check if they are in commercial forest or totally protected, and their status. so that Robert and .. erm.. someone else can see which trees they should select to be grown in the gene safe.

2. Follow Anis and Giacamo into the ...erm.. some FR to collect soil samples. and get paid an allowance 70 bucks a day. yea.. part time job.

3. when Chirs Kettle comes, see the gene mapping for Sepilok for Eyen's PhD.

4. go in with Alex to set up plots in Deramakot, for LTMP... seeing if we're taking out the good genes.

aside from that there is Colin;s work:

5. IUCN redlist.

6. FYP poster

7. IUCN online course.

and then...

8. finish of the dip lamellatus paper...

gg

and there's also a need to go for a fish seminar on the 15th (wednesday), remind eyen to send me the fish poster tmr.

Richard helped alot, really nice guy. showed us around the biotech tissue culture.

and then the molecular lab later on after lunch (we ate at McD in mile 6).

Grateful for: a nice boss, food at night, a room all to myself, sandy getting along with hers, my gf being understanding, Jesus answering prayers.

"It is by your light, we see light"

take away the fog from my mind,

dont let my nuerons in the brain seperate from each other.

i know i dont fear you Lord.. i plot evil and wickedness,

satan controls my heart because i've allowed him to..

take me back God,

take my lips back God..

that i will speak words of love,

speak the truth in love.

life is not about the money,

it is how we can contribute back to the system,

from within, from without.

ask questions

keep asking.

why

how,

what

where

when

whose

what is the work you are doing?

why are you doing it,

how does it contribute back to the bigger picture?

what is it hinging on?

how do you conduct your research?

why did you choose this site?

what are you expected results/hypothesis?

when did you start and am expected to finish?

whose also on this project with you?

i have to find out,

i have to remmeber,

i have to let my mind be working

to stay sharp, to stay frosty

to be clear.. crystal clear...

not muddy and murky.

clear my mind God

clear it....

cleanse..

okay its 11...

i should get a note book,

to just jot and scribble down stuff.. 

i actually do have one.. hmm.. i should finish it up first right.

yeah no point buying before finishing it.

so many things to be grateful for

thank you God

for never giving up on me

 i love you

i love you

i love you both.

WIsdom: inform people, especially if unable to make it for an appoinment on time.

dont talk bad/slander/compate negatively people.... look on the bright side of things =)

Chirst in you, CHirst in me...

light, be the light..

its a good life, dont hate it.

every day is a new day to shine

to grow

to love

to love

every new day

tmr is a new day.

move on

no regrets

no pain,

no suffering

move on,

dull mind

refresh, freshen up..

God take me back

the first and second days

it was a friday night, i only slept for one hour. packing away.
there's this feeling, inside the guts, that feels like vomiting.
it comes from leaving home. i dont know how else to describe it.

sitting in the coach from Paradigm mall to KLIA2,
i wondered how i could be more helpful,
thoughts of the past few days spend in Johor filleed my mind,
i miss you, and i doze of for a nap.
thank God i woke up when reaching the stop.

going onto the plane i forgot to text those whom needed to be informed.
especially Emmeline on the other side that the flight was on schedule.

well, i slept on the plane as well, my neck aches.
sat at the customs clearance, a guy couldn't carry on too many bags.
poor soul, i guess one should really follow the law of 7 kilos.

thank God my check in bags went though,
i calculated the two to be more than 20 kilos.
what in the world did i bring, i taught i could be minimalist.

played very much with Erwin, the trick to teaching kids is to let them experiment,
not do the things for them but ask questions on how something can be improved,
and promt with guidance here and there.

discipline is good.

slept over and woke up for church.
it was a good message, by Ps Amos,
he reminds me so much of my brother,
the style and ... charisma.
i miss worshiping.

after church met so many people,
Joel from Subang Jaya that is working here as an english tuition teacher. He dropped out of a degree twice due to the thesis.. wow.
Edward whom bakes at home, saving the need for paying GST (which might rise to 8%)
Aunty Florence, the wife of Johnny.
Fiona, a disciplinary teacher and Shook Lan, a biker girl whom fishes.

then home we took the bike up the Hilux,
forgot to bring the helmet along, but good thing Herbert remembered it.
gosh i need to be clear minded on what i need to bring about.

arrived at FRC guesthouse,
really nice bunch of people here.
Raiz from UPM along with a few others,
Jima, Suzy, Era, Kakak, Cina, Mel, Sherly..
and Anuar, a guy whom really knows his history.
He told me about the Dusun's not really "existing" and it was just a name they came up with to be a collective term of the smaller tribes (suku).
the history of mathematics...
parameswara going to melaka and singapura being originally Temasek..
and well sandakan, having lots of chinese and the British coming in later..
the missionary schools... and well... he could say all these without being condescending.
which is amazing, his love for sejarah.. he's working in SAFE, knows pui kiat...

then Abbo and Sandy, Cynthia and Razy dropped by.
wow they have soo many things.
spilt the rooms. i got one whole one for myself.. yeah =D
with air cond, nice shower... i couldn't ask for more. thank you God.

i could use the peace and quiteness.
we walked over to RDC to catch sight of flying squirrels . wow they are really really big.

well God it was nice..
to be reminded.
of all your goodness.
of family.
of my origins and begging.

help me to keep my eyes on you.
to speak the truth in love.
to not be critical, and generalize.
to pay attention... active listening.

to remember names and people.
to find rest.
to enjoy the moments.
to be present.

to shy away from checking my phone when people are around me.
well... here it goes.. 6 months

Moments

First time seeing the two lines,
Such an intimate moment.
I love you my darling,
We'll have the right moment.

Instant noodles

I see two men sitting down eating hot cups. Their meal.

Memories of mom's cooking the past few days came to mind. So much food. My sister and I are really slow. The rice, the chicken, the vinegar pork, the mix vegetables. Blessed.

I bought some bread for the bus ride.

Mansions

The bus passes by huge houses in the middle of nowhere. Why would anybody want to build such a grand thing out here...

How did they even manage to get such money to do so? Where they born into a powerful family? Or was it their hard work. Did their profits come without any exploitative means...

Anyways, I'm no one to be the judge of that. I come from a very powerful family too. And I leave vengeance to my Father's hands.

Let the weak say I am strong,
Let the poor say I am rich,
Becuase of what,
The Lord has done, for us.

Give thanks.

Bus ticket ques

Why is everyone queuing up at the right side of the whole row of ticket counters?

Just because it is near the entry.

I'd have to wait really long if I stuck to the norm. Walked over to the left side, pass the crowds, wow. It's getting lesser and lesser.

Less than 10 people infront of me. Compared to the 20-30.

Transport

When I was growing up my dad would take me to kindergarten and primary school on his bike, first the Honda Cup 65, then at the last day of Q-dees we arrived on a Modenas Jaguh. Making two rounds for my sister and I.

Mom would come pick me up form the school canteen at SK Taman Megah. Later on if walk he myself.

Going to high school mom would fetch both wai yan and i in the wira. When sis got her license she'd drive both of us, really early in the morning to make it for the daily CF prayer.

Then when she left three years before I would, I started to cycle, Joshua's Wheeler bike.

In form 6 after PLKN i got my driving licence. Everyone in school was getting theirs, it was a normal thing for kids in PJ.

A blessing. I never really had to sit the LRT or take the buses. Although I was living in the hub of it all.

I still remember our voyages to Catholic High as a huge CF group using the LRT for BK quiz. One of the very few times.

I never flew anywhere overseas with my family. We always made trips back to Ipoh in the Nissan Vannet and later on the Toyota Avanza.

Before I left for UMS, wei aun invited me over to Laos, one of my first few overseas trips going alone. (The first was Bangkok for the Lego competition back in standard 6, the second was an ISU camp in Indonesia at form... 5?).

Camps, there are a multitude of camps. From the school, scouts, muafakat, leadership, athletics, CF at peace haven, Genting. To church, missions at Cameron Highlands, retreats... To EARC, Camp Cameron..

A huge leap was making the trip to Redang. So many transits, so many people. I remember when friends came over, I didn't know much about the system. A horrible disgrace. I didn't grow up with it.

Now I'm sitting on a KTM making my way down to TBS, to catch a bus to Johor. I met a guy on the LRT coming from taman bahagia, whom told me of a better way than taking the masjid Jamek transit.

Owh wow.. I'm passing Midvalley, didn't know I could take the trains all they way here.

Why do I even drive. Will I ever be less independent and rely more on the infrastructure here?

Travel a begging. It's nice to look around at all the people.

rain

the rain is pouring down again,
its been like this for a few days.

it's nice to have a reminder,
to shut off everything,
and seek God in the sound of droplets.

let me know,
that You are the one whom waters.
the see we sow, is what you grow,

and there will be a harvest

Sqeeze die

I just saw a cute kid joke to his small brother that the train machine would sqeeze die him if he went too slow between the doors...

pet

a lady walking her dog in the rain.
the lengths people would go to to meet the needs of those they love.

Repentance, and attitude

Repentance is a change of attitude towards sin. Not just technically stopping the act of sinning.

read slower

read at your own pace,
slow enough to understand and let it stick.

New Year Resolutions 2017

as we step into 2017 and leave 2016 behind.
there's something about transiting the boundary of a year's timeline into the next that gives one the sense of extra will power to do something differently with life.

then again if whatever situations around us change but we don'tt change internally, it doesn't matter even if we are uprooted from our current life and placed in a totally new clean slate, because the issues in the heart haven't be dealt with yet

anyways a few things i'd like to improve for the year to come is

1. have more genuine conversations and experience joy by being present in the moment, cutting down on unnecessary meetings and be actively prioritizing the important worthwhile stuff with time slots.

2. be less critical, skeptical, slanderous and live a more positive and optimistic life, being mindful of the words that i utter and my hold each negative thought accountable to the Holy Spirit for rebuke.

3. not shy away from the advancement of technology but instead embrace it as a useful servant that makes life more efficient, ensuring it does not become the master of me.

yeah i think about three would be enough. for now... until something else pops into mind.

a few thoughts from the day
6.30 wake up, snooze for 20 minutes
wore my best for church, just slacks shoes and the grey 'no need iron' shirt.
went to church early to drive the van out, 20 minutes before the set time. (i think i really want to improve on my timing for appointments too) so here's a fourth resolution:

4. be early for meetings, and not rush to places.

i arrived early at kg E, picked up 3 people, asked how many i should be taking, the reply was two, so i ASSUMED i had everyone and just left for church only to find out later that i left someone behind (not negligence), but it could have been prevented if i waited my due time.

anyways i went back to pick her up and we arrived in time for service.

PONDER: i think i know why i can't remember things so well in this "millennial" age. its because that is an inadequacy of time for the information to settle into the brain to be store properly long term. (and hence knowledge cannot be used by wisdom for any application). how to solve the problem? don't overload the brain by constantly reading a flow of new information. but instead take articles in bite sizes and allow the meaning being the words digest and settle in. i know i try to do speed reading alot, but honestly, it isn't very "efficient" as i thought it would be. the "saved" time doesn't make up for not being to recall or understand whatever i've read just moments ago, let alone through the day or even my life. -end ponder-

today's sermon was about being thankful.
we should give thanks even before going through an event, not only after.
we should give thanks, not because of what God has done or what He is going to do, but because of who He is.

anyways i left early to pick up the students for BM service, although i went out early, yet i still couldn't get everyone at 11am because i had to take two trips. the first trip was early, but the second one was quite a rush. and i feel bad, because they are university students that were told to wait at 10.20 but i arrived to pick them up at 11.50. a whole thirty minutes of waiting at the bus stop and having to skip the "fusion time" or "coffee corner food", rushing straight into the first songs on the day without time to "settle down" into the chair and calm one's self in the presence of God.

this is an issue with the pick up transportation time. that sometimes i feel is not my responsibility in setting. but we all know i shouldn't push it to others what i should be giving feedback to fro improvement. and trying to live it out.

really glad that jim liew could come and join =) thanks iggy for bringing him along.

the next issue actually happened when sending the people back.

WISDOM: send the people with less and nearer places first. and then only the further ones. this is to prevent the second round from waiting too long. (almost a whole hour!)

the it was timeto have lunch with the darling.

badminton with li ann, angie (from tawau) really good, elisha, JC, issac and esther lee.
man i got to improve on my recovery after each hit, footwork to cover the court, placement of the ball at the near side of the net and defense of incoming smashes.

2 guys vs 2 girls, we lost =P humiliating. haha nah, just kidding, we had fun.

had a really nice dinner at Thien Thien in gaya street.

had a good talk on the way home:

TRUTH: knowing that God is real is not enough. we must experience Him, then only is there an enabled power for change to happen.

while walking Happy the cutest dog,
i realized a few things. sometimes she goes to paces that i dont want to go, and she doesn't follow me. but i tell her i will take her to those places some other time.

i think its like me following God. He knows the best path for me at the current time, but i still choose to walk other ways. although i know obedience to Him, i will grow and one day be able to properly walk those paths. there is no shortcut.

i wan't to be a good dad next time. and i'm worried i can't balance love and discipline; i don't want a spoil brat nor a traumatized kid. extremes aside, i want a balanced child that knows his parent's love him the most, yet have boundaries that are there for his sake.

should i be reading "parenting books" on how to do this?
nah, i think the Bible will do just fine for the job. its the manual for life after all right.

home, spent some time with the housemates just chatting, face to face.
laughed, smiles. joy.

took a nice shower, tying this journal log out. going to read a book and sleep soon.

happy new year peeps, may you have a good one ahead.

GRATEFUL FOR: the ability to drive the van, to hold a badminton racket, to have a place to sleep.

i love you, both of you.

He works out everything

"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will." - Ephesians 1:11

everything, in this life.
is part of a plan

me sitting for exams,
going through this relationship
having a bout of one gloomy season...

its all part of a plan,
that will work out in the end,

because it is Christ at the center that holds everything together

Lord,
may you Will,
shape my purpose and goals.

give thanks

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

i wonder how he could stil be happy in prison,
eating his food with gratitude.

it's amazing,
the joy that he had inside his heart,

despite what was goin on around him
he still choose to give thanks

Joy

Joy comes from holiness.

Guilt is the enemy of it.

Joy is a product of obedience

"Joy is a serious business of heaven" - CS Lewis

When we worship in joy we bring heaven down

As a Chirstian, we have every reason to be joyful, regardless of the situation.

The joy of the Lord is our strength.

It can heal our bones

Mental stress

Postmodern problems deal more with mental stress due to expectations and the inability to reach them.

On contrary hardships apart from an easy comfortable life help shape ones character to be strong and them knowing their identity.

Work without complaining.

See the bigger picture.

Keep moving dont give up.

God loves you

base reality is God

so a whole week passed without any blog post,
guess i couldn't keep up the daily life log thing.

a few higlights of this week was the Global Leader's Summit for emerging leaders held in All Saint's
Good stuff. learnt more there than i ever did in .. the year?
they have very very good insights

however i don't think there was adeqaute time to lean how to apply them
of think them through

i wish there was more thinking time.
to ponder and contemplate, to meditate and really substantiate it
concertize.. if it even is a word.

sigh the month of november is coming to and end.
just reading a few philosophical thoughts on weather we exist because we think
or that reality is there and its how we perceive it.

i'e Kant and the idea that everything is only in our mind.
and some Maurice Blondell stuff..

anyways here's my take on it,

Base reality = God
everything stems out from Him,
since He was there at the beginning

hence,
the best course of action to take would be to base our every existence on Him,
all actions have a context, they have antecedence and consequences

structure, mystery power
action = make, practice, contemplate

A Sunday

Today was out confirmation.

I was supposed to wake up at 7.20 and get ready going to crystals place to pick her up by 8.20.

Cause we needed to be in church by 8.30 for rehearsal.

When I went to her house, she asked why wasn't my shirt ironed,

We arrived at 8.45

I really need to reconsider my time frame of things,

Don't know why I'm always late,

Always.

Was it because I subconsciously think it is better to be late?

Anyway we got confirmed into the Anglican Church

Hence, the Lord's Prayer, keeping the Ten Commandments, the apostles creed

The 39 articles of faith, etc...

Renouncing sin, the works of the devil, the desires of the world, carnal flesh,

Etc...

Yeah, hopefully no more winning after this.

By the power of the Holy Spirit,

Help me to do my utmost best for you Lord,

To dwell in your word,

And grow in you as a branch connected to the vine.

Came home after lunch

To a good nap

And then kg. Sembulan

Was worth it,

The double rainbow at the end of the day is God's promise to us

That he is with us

It is worth it,

Jesus was always for helping others.

Went to 1B for dinner and shopping with wai yip, Zoey and some juniors.

Fixed the toilet lamp,

Now ready for bed.

Goodnight

bleh, a saturday

saturday morning
i could have gone for frisbee, the UMS hat. good ol' days
but nope i was at home

woke up as late as i wanted too
is it better to fill one's day with things to do and get exhausted?
or should one have a laid back life and just enjoy the time.. that seems to pass by extra fast

how does one make time slow down?
diley-delaid until 12.30 then went to take a shower
had lunch with crystal, wai yip, zoey and sam at Bunker's cafe
took some pictures for google maps

she asked me if it was okay to wear her pejamas out,
yeah sure it was find, her friend did it too.

its comfortable

came home and decided to hardcore FYP, made some progress,
though i dont really think it's any real progress actually

sigh, this thing is eating away at my mind
dear God is it even possible?

work work work

at 4.30 we went over to zoey's place for a joint cell meeting
Zion cell is really one thing, crazy bunch of peeps
laughed, so much
and had fun, in a long time

today: the past, present and future,
am i really living out what i preach
its a different story
i dont know

i dont know anymore
to be sure of God
ontho-theo-logically
the metaphysics of being

beings and Beings
created and Creator

why, why am i in this point of life?
lost, feel so lost

Fyp

statistics
linear regression
elevational changes
statistics

zz


had lunch at Mdm Wong's near D'Archie corner
good lanb chop
but still, the most worth it has to be the chiken chop
the chiken chop wins all the time

remmeber that

i feel bad for not remembering to do push-ups for my darling
cause its her time of the month

not very caring not thinking of her all the time

i forgot to call my dad, it's his birthday today
he went for bersih
i should call him tmr

messy, so messy

i,, just want to go sleep
and run away from all the problems

anxiety

anxiousness.
dear God.. how can i present it to you
so thath your Peace that trancends all understanding will guard my heart and mind

gah

goodnight

i'm going to sleep
gotta wake up fresh for the Confirmation service tmr,
Ho;y Spirit, fill me. fill us.

to know
to know
to konw you
to be close to You

to be filled by You
to love You, more and more each and every day
 i want to love

and feel loved

18th november 2016

this morning i woke up to a nice comfortable sleep
one that i've not had for many days, yet i still find it a struggle to get out of bed
sitting there, i watched as the time ticked by

7.20..7.40... shucks class starts at 8.00
i wonder why i keep doing this, rushing myself over and over again, every single day
every single appointment. even though i tell myself that i'm not going to repeat the same mistake the next time around

then as i was walking back home it hit me. i do it for the thrill
the adrenaline rush that comes from being late and the well.. "rush" (pun intended)
in this world where the brain is constantly overloaded with stimulus
it seems hard to come across things that truely bring a sense of.. life
the numbness, i guess it can only be cured by having a break. a long break.

class, is meant to be interactive.
but it can only go so far as the students themselves responding to the good intentions of the lecturer
sitting there.. i feel like I'm lost

lost in a sea of things to do
just floating by
waiting for the next big wave to come crashing down

mingling around after class, jacking up the TP-link WR710N as an Access Point to convert the wired LAN port into a free wireless hotspot without any password required.

sandy asked me a question to tricky 2 handphone game
it was "type in the name of this level to continue" (or something like that)
and i tried the numbers, didn't work.. i decided to google, haha "main buyok", basically cheating

cheating
what does that even mean nowadays
why do we struggle so much to commit to memory so many things that are "unnecessary"
when we should be focusing our time and energy to pursue our interest

we should have more open book test.
and learn to apply knowledge instead of just repeat it.
no doubt having it on mind does help us to create links and solutions in our mind we would otherwise be unable to due to not having sufficient fundamental knowledge to base the solutions on

but yeah, basically. we should change the system.
okay enough about ranting.

it wil never end.
i guess its better to be greatful for the good things that happen

decided to attend the Harmoni Gathering. that is being held weekly this semester
it's a mistake. its too frequent and it's burning out the committee
UMS doesn't function like highschool
the Gatherings of all denominations and ministries should be done at a less frequent frequency
as in maybe once a month would be much better

there are many reasons behind this, but i shall leave going into details for another day

thank God there was a prompting to bring along the laptop today
it was needed. how i wish i could carry this lappy everywhere i went.
the desire to get a mac Air is so tempting. but until i start working on my own and earning my own
i shall put off any desire to upgrade from my perfectly working moto G (1st gen) to the Google Pixel
or this Acer Aspire which has a GT 630M, i5, 16 GB ram and a 128 samsung SSD.

sigh, why do i keep looking to upgrade things when i dont even fully utilize the power they have.
its a sin. a sin that i need to overcome, greed. is a form of.. desiring and not being greatful with what i currently have.

came back home at around 2.30 ish. took a nice afternoon nap
i really sleep alot more now adays
i like sleeping
its like an escape from reality

woke up to getting ready to meet sir Alan from the Kebudayaan section in Anjung Siswa
i wonder why we are so fearful to meet him
he is a nice guy, just that he tries to get others to reach his expectations
well it's also partially because his job is on the line i guess
because whatever we as students choose to do, at the end he is the one held responsible
it weights heavier on him than on us in a certain way

dear God, unite us

went to play a few rounds of frisbee
sigh i miss the times being so free to toss
i wonder why i got myself into this
taking up this responsibility, was it nessasary?
i dont seem to enjoy myself doing it
i wish i could turn back time to that moment i was sitting on the bench at the ocean
and decline the offer from Mathilda.
really, its not like i'm engaging more with the people that i'm supposed to be close with
its not like i'm growing

or am i?

God, what did you get me into?
(i feel like the isrealites complaining in the desert after being brought out of "good" life in Egypt)

least i incite the wrath of the Lord
bring be remose and repentance for my ego and pride
who am i, but to be a servant for my King

do not live a life of disobedience on the wide path
though it may seem like an easier route with more fun,
with less responsibilities more time and freedom

it is the idleness that will shackle us

home, dinner

went over to Rev Eric's house for Confirmation class

Holy Spirit burn like a fire in me, consume me.
We're about to get confirmed this sunday by the Bishop of the Diocese of Sabah and be part of the Anglican church. something that the Baptist didn't do, laying of hands, transubstantiation, baptism at first believing... so many things to learn, so many things to develop, so little time. i dont like saying that. everyone has the same amount of time its just how we choose to use it.

came home to watch finding Dory
the love of parents so... never failing

owh.. 19th
today's my dad's birthday, i should wish him
maybe in the morning
and it's bersih 5.0 too
dear God, bring peace.

amen.

resolutions

i really need to get of FB, once again, been using it too much lately.

i arrived 40 minutes late for a meeting today too. really should work on "being on time"

didn't eat lunch, had no energy for excising this afternoon

today, i faced an issue of getting conformation.
growing up in a baptist church, baptism for us included knowing what we were getting ourselves into.
in the anglican church however there's this need to be confirmed by the bishop because of infant baptisms. and although i came from a baptist church and have a very clear conscience about taking the sacraments during Holy Communion, i know it doesn't do right for the Reverend giving it to me knowingly i haven't achieved the prerequisite to partaking in it along side them.

hence, instead of trying to make the church in attending conform to my beliefs as a visitor, i want to be a member of the church i have chosen to attend by subjecting myself to the law of the land. it makes more sense of me trying to understand them, then for me expecting them to understand and conform to me.

today, i decided to seek God, to read His Word.
and see.. that it does apply to my day directly and instantaneously
Luke 11 and 12 that was read came just at the right timing, that it was fresh off my mind and the Holy Spirit could use it on my lips.

the situation is such that certain people whom have grown up in a Christian environment still chose to forsake God and take the "wider" path, a bit it being more sorrowful and sad.

in this Millennials Generation, we see a mix of Heros, Prophets, Artist and Nomads.
even in one's own phases of life.

i think i'm so into travelling, backpacking and minimalism now because i'm in the Nomad stage of life (just transitioning out from... a Hero?), in the sense that i was once a very law abiding kid. and now chose to be a rebellious, rule-breaker nomad.. just trying out new things a=or being very unsatisfied with how life has been.

i wish to go back to the old ways.
maybe i'll be an artist one day.. who knows.
to create blog post does help my brains function better the past few days

 sigh,
so many things on the to do list
1. internship
2. FYP
3. HoB assignment
4. video assingment
5. ... well... wow thats almost about it.

PK, campouslife, frisbee, so ... i guess i do dont have that many things,
time to reclaim back life.

saeculum

so i got my iPad back. checked all my emails, especially the Pocket. i've not read articles, good ones for quite some time.

nor have i been journaling, writing my thoughts down.
it is nice to unravel at the end of each day, i remember i used to do it religiously back when i was a kid. first with pencil and paper and then moving on to this blog (as seen in the archives)

i've been watching some youtube videos and reading things lately regarding the goodness of writing down out thoughts, on how it helps one to clear the mind and give a good nights rest,

have you ever had that moments in life when you dont wake up from a sleep feeling rested?
but instead worst off? i do. frequently now adays actually. its horrible.

but in the last few days life has been better. i guess it comes with exercise and doing the things that one loves to do.

i think i've said all this before. i dont know why i keep repeating myself. as if.. i can't move on. i would really like the feeling of peaking again. i guess this is all just part of the natural cycle... regression.. entropy, destruction.. just waiting for regrowth and maturation once again..

today

i woke up around 9.30 something. on the most comfortable bed with the fluffiest pillow beside duckducky and dogdoggy. and a really soft red cotton blanket. a nice cotton blanket. much nicer that my blue sleeping bad (its not really mine, someone left it in the House of Joy... and i adopted it because i brought back my grey body pack one), If I had to make the choice, I would go for a nice cotton blanket that could go all the way over my head... compared to a sleeping bag.

made milo wtih oats. part of life is learning how to make a meal wherever we are in the moment. i wanted to go home to make breakfast, just because it would be a more "comfortable" place, knowing where my things were and just how accustomed I've grown to it.

staying longer had its perks, Joyce came down with my torch light, the Fenix E25 which I lent to them over the Ice Cream Project. Part of life is being no worried when sharing expensive items with friends and letting them use awesome tech.

rode the bike home, it was around 10 plus, washed clothes took a shower, watched some videos, played the guitar. and then it was time to go pick my Darling up for lunch.

we ate at the new Kingfisher food court. it was really tasty pork fat and sour vegetable laksa-ish noodles. went back over to her place, haha she taught her lab was at 2pm, but it was actually at 1. owh well... better late than never right

then i came home, rushed an assignment on Foreign Direct Investments in the IMS-Growth Triangle. Ah, I didn't know so much about it until today. a weeks worth of work in an hour. sigh...

rode the bike like a crazy maniac trying to reach school before the dateline of 4pm. i should really learn how to organize my time better so that the day is planned out in a smoother more continuous flow instead of always having to travel back and fourth so often.

came home to find her. took a nice evening nap while the rain cooled down the day.

awoke to cooking dinner time, some really funky herbal soup. watched and then went to decompost the leftovers, phewh, the papaya is really giving out a strong smell.

night has arrived. it has been a good day. my muscles are all aching from the excerises yesterday. its a good feeling . to strive, to feel the pain, to heal and... come out stronger.

its all part of a cycle. a never ending cycle. choose the outcomes of tomorrow, by preparing what to do today.

Seek God, whom has been there since the begging of time.

climate change

we are burning ourselves to extinction.
fossil fuels release too much carbon into the air,
heating the earth up to a tipping point that's gonna be catastrophic, globally.

whatever sentient life that comes after humanity will marvel at our industrial chimneys
i wonder if they'll ever know that it was our greed and pride that wiped us all out.

the One whom calms

just finished collecting data on top of the mountain for 5 days
thank You for calming the storm.
Where is my faith?

the inner man inside that has been weakened
by all the wrong choices made.

turn be back to You,
to walk Your path's again

to fulfill my vows to You

Good things, for those whom love

Woke up too late, taught i missed an appointment. Turns out the other couldn't make it either. Good things work out for those whom love Him.

Putting the phone down at dinner.
I see a father feeding his kid with an aeroplane spoon. Such love.

Did I have to buy the buns sold by the guy walking around selling them? He claimed that it was from church. Am I too cynical to believe his innocence and genuineness.

God forgive me.

Being and knowing

Do you know about Christianity?
Or are you a Christian, living out a redeemed life.

Speech

Out of what is stored in a man's heart comes out his speech.

Choose to store the good life giving things. See the best in other people and be less cynical of the world.

Took an Uber today. Many times actually. Was quite fun. Take loops instead of backtracking the same way. sunway university is so much different from UMS, especially the way they dress. learnt many lessons along the way (I.e. cancel the Uber if your giving your ride to someone else). Meeting strangers and all. Lukas, Abbo and Azizi. Thanks for the memories, fun and laughter on ridiculous conversations.

Hope for more joy to come in the following days. Cheers to being human with ethics and consciousness

Eternity is now

Eternity is always and has always been exhausting parallel to the present . What I do now affects it.

Contrary to what I've been believing all this while that eternity only starts after dying in the present world.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not only receiving the verbal words from the one we have wronged, but also the ability to accept them in all their fullness with our hearts. That the restoration of a relationship to a point that is greater than it was before would take place.

=X

do you know why i dont like talking to you?
because i don't like other people listening to what i have to say.

just like how you dont like your housemate saying "sensitive" things in the whatsapp group.
so i too dont want to become that person.

its not that i'm quite,
it's just that you always want me to me noisy.

In Christ, a whole different meaning

And let me make it quite clear that when Christians say the Christ-life is in them, they do not mean simply something mental or moral. When they speak of being ‘in Christ’ or of Christ being ‘in them’, this is not simply a way of saying that they are thinking about Christ or copying Him. They mean that Christ is actually operating through them; that the whole mass of Christians are the physical organism through which Christ acts—that we are His fingers and muscles, the cells of His body. And perhaps that explains one or two things. It explains why this new life is spread not only by purely mental acts like belief, but by bodily acts like baptism and Holy Communion. It is not merely the spreading of an idea; it is more like evolution—a biological or superbiological fact. There is no good trying to be more spiritual than God. God never meant man to be a purely spiritual creature. That is why He uses material things like bread and wine to put the new life into us. We may think this rather crude and unspiritual. God does not: He invented eating. He likes matter. He invented it.

C.s. Lewis - mere Christianity

just a consumer

dont just be a Consumer,
be a Producer

not waiting, an opened parcel

ah woke up today, was a little late for class caused i deley-delayed.

in scjool between classes i went with Miao to return the equipment i borrowed.
however i'm missing one measuring tape (that i think it's still with Gavin)
but he says no. then i came up with a scheme to take one from the outside and "replace" it.
but its evil. and thankfull God sent someone with me to watch over me.
it wasn't that bad talking to Sir David. in the end he just advised top get a replacement from a hardware shop it it really did go smissing.

sigh all these assuptions and uneeded fears that crop up because we fear to ask.

after the second class today i rushed home on the bike,.
just in time to catch the GDex courrier van driving off from the house. THANK GOD!
chased him down and stopped by the side of the road with him to get the parcel.

YESSSsssss. (the feeling of being away from home knowning that a parcel is coming is really really, uncomfortable). i'm glad i didn't miss this one./

the first parcel came today it was the D-Link router i bought on lazada.
should have waited till night time to open it with roomates to enjoy it more.
so much for delayed gratification. i should reallly learn to hold back so that the joy may be more complete.
i taught opening it up would be an exciting feeling (new stuff right)
but nope. i still feel as if there was void in me =(

anyways i packed it all back into the wraps and gdex plastic (not perfectly though)
and plan to open it up again as if it was the first time.

but i know.... its not going to be the same feeling as waiting.
its like, opening up something that has already been used/spoiled. sigh.

am i really fasting. i read a little bit of the bible today and a little in the afternoon. the day seems to be better. i wonder if it's just a psycological thing of is it really happening.

our world is so shaped by consumerism and aedversiting of marketed products.
what Do we really NEED.

bad day

yesterday was a good day, it started off with reading the first three chapters of Romans (cause Jeff asked for it). the day went on smoothly and i felt that it was productive and efficient. it was nice fun, and i had times to be with loved ones. well, yesterday i didnt have any class and it was blissful.

but today, oh hell, today was a bad day
i didn't have a morning class and could sleep as much as i wanted
but i woke up and used whastapp and the laptop first instead of seeking You
i said i would do it first thing in the morning to prioritize you, but heck.

distractions.

the first bad thing that happened today was that i went to school and supposed to have lunch with Crystal after cancelling lunch with Daryl because he had class (which was cancelled and he asked for lunch again, but i had to reject because i already had a "date") which didn't work out in the end because i didn't bring an extra helmet (i didn't know i was supposed to fecth) i taught that she would meet there along with joyce.but screw it, i just enojyed my rice and fried batter fish.

the second bad thing that happened was that a lady wanted to sit down, and i looked like i was going off but didn't. i should have offered my place to her (she looked like a tourist) i wasn't very hospitable or warm. i felt so guilty. later on a place with a better view opened up but i missed the opportunity by being selfish. thankfully that was rectified when i saw some juniors and offered them to share the table with me. theres something about people not sharing tables with strangers nowadays. so unfriendly.

the third thing that happened was that i came home early and instead of spending quite time was that i played far cry 3 instead. well it was fun, i enjoyed it. browsed Steam and was thinking what if i took down the path of a gamer. and life, why is there so many things to do but so little time

the fourth thing that happened was frisbee. this was fun, i'm glad i decided to cycle there. the sweat the adrenaline the jopy the fun. its all worth it. the only mistake was that i wore my xiaomi band to play, and it poped out without me knowing, i only later on founbd out about it when i got home.
owh well, it was a free gift from Chun Hao, thanks while it lasted it was fun. used it quite a bit in the beginning but later on i really didn't bother to check the apps anymore. this social fitness thing is really rubbish. why else do i want to share my results to others than to show off.

owh and i spilled Dom Benedictine (its sweet) on my freshly washed bed sheet and sunned mattress.
i tauhgt of just leaving it, but.. my housemate encouraged me to wash it again, least the ants come.

so yeah, life.
is.. hard enough.
i dont want to make it harder,
please. please just....

i'm currently waiting in the living roof for dinner.
i turned down going out with wai yip and Mivoli,
just to... shut out every one.

i feel like shutting out everyone.

un-used to laws

today was the first day of the semester.
i parked my bike under the foyer.

and got a saman.

sigh, gotta get back to being use.
by laws

The 9th part

Self control is a limited resource

Wash car + sand

Washing car is one of the biggest mistakes one can do... For a friend. Out of good will.

Becuase a small grain of sand is enough to scratch it up like crazy.

Gah, unnecessary stress... Small thing.. small noise.

Merdeka

spent Merdeka eve at Kg Sembulan,

was the only chinese.

it was really a sight, to see the patriotism.

and be accepted by them as one.

a Malaysian, with no other boundaries.

Child-like freedom

The reason why children can be so free to be themselves is because they aren't affected as much by advertising and marketing.

that special moment

stop,
whatever your doing in the moment that can be done in the future,
the things that have stolen your mind's attention.

and just be in that special moment,
that can only be experienced at that particular time.

it will pass you by,
make no regrets,
by making that choice.

"Health" products

Honestly, I think these funky MLM products in elaborate sashes is just glorified starch being sold through manipulative marketing and advertising.

29 Aug 2016

woke up at 5 am this morning and drove home. wai yip gave me a call as i was about to open the door, : "bro, can fetch me to the air port ah?"

haha no one woke up to send him off. 5,30 and 6.00 makes alot of difference in the amount of the cars on the road.

in the car he asked me how i came up with the story for yesterday
"inspiration by God?" i used to day dream alot when i was a kid,
didn't have any technology or consoles to play with, so i just sat in the house...
on the stairs, in the living room or in the master bed room's parque floor.
day dreaming. now as i grow older i do it so much less... i think my creativity and imagination has taken a toll

came home close to 7. slept till 12
went over to crystal's place for lunch
then we took a ride to luyang health clinic.

took my blood results,
aww man low heamoglobin levels
took another blood test for iron deficiency or.. gaps, minor thellesimia

crystal took out the stiches from her head
she was supposed to have a letter from her previous doctor.
but didn't have any. hmm lesson learnt.

then we made our way to Likas Square to look fro uncle Caleb's friend Vivian
the owner of Olive Tree Cafe (that caters to the AMC students there).
nice lady, shared with us about Carmelian order thats found in KK. wow,
they can't go out to meet people? thats really... setting one's self apart.
devoting there whole lives to prayer and God

there was a one line that hit my mind this afternoon/
i'm trying like crazy to remember it now.
but can't... aww man life regrets.
it was really good, just that... i didn't write it down straight away when i came
and now it's left. sigh

the we went over to All Sain't cathedral for the opening ceremony of the biennial Synod.
was typing away at my phone. good thing it was silenced. Jim called and asked for what GPS softwear to use to extract data out of hand held devices.

Met Mr Wong (the landlord) over there and aunty Jenny from CTK.

drove over to Anjung Selera at Tg Lipat for dinner (around 10 ish)
the mee goreng mamak was nice. this yellow mee didn't have that much boric acid in it, or was it just that my toung's taste buds had died already

now here i am .. back home.
with a room.
hmm

i've been pouring lots of clorox into the washing machine and soaking/washing it.. in hopes to get rid of the mould build up thats been happening due to housemates leaving wet cloths inside.

sigh, all these house chores.. small things that matter.

Pengembaraan Ali dan Ah Chong

today we had Senyum Sembulan again, it's an initiative to teach underprivileged children the very core basic elements of educations. as in like, fundamentals before even the elementary essentials

such as writing your own name,
or even recognizing alphabets.

today, the opportunity presented itself for me to serve.
i've always wanted to, but have been reluctant.
thankfully God has his ways.

my part was at the end of the day where a value was to be though through any means.
taking some time, sitting down in quietness,
i'm glad God still answers with inspiration and creativity.

the theme was about helping one another or sharing.

hence this was it:

TAJUK: Pengembaraan Ali dan Ah Chong
Characters:
Ali
Ah Chong
Hujan
Singa
Durian
Burung Merpati

Props:
Roof
Wall
Rain
Lion Mask
Durian
Burung Merpati

Scene 1
Ali seorang pengembara ke negara Neverland.
Dia telah membawa barang bersama dia yang amat berat.
Di pertengahan jalan, Ali terlalu letih lalu terlepas barangnya dan pengsan.

TIba-tiba muncul Ah Chong.
Pilihan: 1) Ah Chong menolong Ali
2) Ah Chong tidak kisah Ali
1) Ah Chong, berhenti dan memberi air kepada Ali. Lalu menghulurkan pertolongan kepada Ali untuk memikul barang beratnya.
2) Ah Chong, terus berjalan, tapi Ali sedar dan meminta tolong. Ah Chong menolongnya.


Scene 2
Mereka berdua berjalan-jalan (hands over shoulders) dan bersembang macam kawan karib yang telah kenal untuk selama-lamanya.
Tiba-tiba sesuatu mula jatuh dari langit (A4 papers with raindrops) dan menjadikan mereka basah.
Soalan 1: Apa terjadi sekarang?
Jawapan 1: Hujan
Ali teringat bahawa Ah Chong sedang memegang sesuatu yang boleh menolong mereka (Mah Jong with roof)
Soalan 2: Apakah yang boleh melindungi mereka?
Jawapan 2: Bumbung/Atap
Betul, Ah Chong membuka bumbung dan mereka berdua berteduh dibawahinya sampai hujan henti

Scene 3
Ali dan Ah Chong meneruskan perjalanan mereka.
Tiba-tiba mereka terjumpa dengan seekor haiwan (lion comes out)
Soalan 3: apakah haiwan itu?
Jawapan 3: Singa!
Singa ini hendak membaham dan mencederakan Ah Chong.
Ali teringat bahawa dia telah membawa sesuatu yang boleh menolong mereka. (bring out wall)
Soalan 4: Apakah yang dapat melindung mereka.
Jawapan 4: Dinding!
(Ali sets up wall and both of them hide behind it)
Dinding ini sangat efektif, singa yang garang ini tidak dapat menembusinya. Lalu singa itu pergi mencari mangsa lain.

Scene 4
Ali dan Ah Chong keluar daripada bersembunyi, mereka melihat bahawa tanah di sekeliling mereka sangat subur. Terdapat pokok buah (bering out durian) dan haiwan yang aman (burung merpati)
Mereka membuat keputusan untuk membina rumah bersama-sama di situ dengan bekerjasama.
TAMAT

and to wrap it up,

we handed out chipsmore cookies,

it started with a teacher giving one to a kid,

and that kid had to take one and give it to another kid.

in that way they all ate something that they didn't take for themselves.

it brought forward where they started to share En Alimat's cakes with the kids outside the gates.

the gift is in being an example.

a big shoutout and thanks to the team: Carmen, Angeline, Kanae, Wai Yip, Sharly and Rebecca.

and ofcause my darling Crystal whose been with me through thick and thin, it was fun to colour with crayons was it not =P they decided to keep our props for future classes.

after having dinner together at Salim's Mamak, to a good hearty meal and fun conversations i came home to a rainy day,

with my cloths still hanging outside.

owh well, life's like that.

no reason to get worked up over it.

the main deal was over McD's that we da pow-ed.

Campus Life wants to run an orientation welcome party for the freshies in UMS

i am only as good in seeking advice from as the experience i've been through,

seek the adviser lecturer for better counsel, least we only use his name as a recognition chop.

is this event really Harmoni,

or is it just only a certain party that holds the vision,

share it, least there is no support from without that which is needed.

ah, night, i long to rest into the days ahead

barriers-less

went for prayer at Kokol summit hill this morning,

there was a girl named Marrisa whom never really met charlie before,
yet the seemed to be friends since forever.

something about the locals here in Sabah that have a very thin, or even non existent barrier between each other and strangers.

as if everyone was family.

starting to journal?

okay, so i;m supposed to start journaling

today i decided to hang out with more human beings rather than staying at home, alone
and it pays off. i thought that it would be better to have less interaction so that i can have more time to my self to learn, read and do what i want. but only having inputs and no outputs isn't the most healthy thing to do.

i guess its more of a just get out there and do it kinda mentality that works
like have a task list and just DO. not wasting time lying on the bed feeling lazy

also another thing that happened today was that i DECIDED to go for CTK's adult cell group
which sometimes i think twice, because it isn't as interactive as Riviya in Skyline,

but then in Camp Cameron's it was made clear that i can't be in two different churches
and i just need to commit to one. i would really want to grow personally

but i think it's in contributing to where there is a need.
not where i can fill my needs. because really, life has been a blessing so far.

to prepare the day before is to succeed the next day.
i wonder how closely i stick to my blog's name.

Autistic love

In the plane taking the flight back. This kid behind me started hitting the chair. And making noises. But it wasn't normal. So I brushed it off for the first few times. Once it didn't stop, I turned around and patted his head.

He was autistic.

The guy sitting beside me was a Murut. He turned around and looked at the kid. Then started asking about him to the parents. 7 years old, he learnt slow. But he could walk and talk basic words. Then the guy beside me told me that his child too was autistic.

But he talked about him just as a father would. Full of love and compassion. He would say how they would go to the park, and he'll be running and climbing around. And when it's time to go home hell just say "Jom", and his child would understand the call. But if hadn't had enough, he would reply "Wawa". (And the father mimicked it with a smile). And he would understand that the kid wanted 5 more minutes.

He only has one child. Whole the family in the plane was of five. They still loved unconditionally.

Lord, meek and humble in heart. Grant me the grace to desire and practice, that part of love that You've placed in all of us.

we all have our battles to fight

when comparing to others

girls are insecure about their outward looks.
you are pretty because of who you are on the inside.

guys have their pride and ego.
thanks for teaching me humility and learning to..

lose a game to win your heart.

let go and receive.

love bars to be filled

our identity is found in the love we receive from those that matter to us.

so what are the different bars of love that needs to be filled?

1. God's love
2. Love from a spouse
3. love from family (parents, children)
4. love from friends and neighbors

one may fill up multiple points, but not all.
if there is a lack in one of them, we will tend to feel:

1. purposeless without a sense of "being" in the present
2. lethargic and hard to get out of bed each morning
3. unfulfilled and unhappy, unexcited for future events.

this is why relationships with people matter.
and how a lack of it can cause use feeling like crap.

when we go to a new place, into a new community...
we tend to reset a few of those bars.

then again, we always carry with us one of it as it is always present in our hearts.
have faith.

love wins at the end of the day.

wait...

does the body come first or the mind?

how much does our subconscious influence our decisions,
and can we influence our subconsciousness?

i guess yes, by feeding it the right inputs,
good quality information, holy stuff...

reading the Bible i guess?
memorizing scripture?

talking to God?
linking our will to His?

how...
wait on Him...

wait...

the answer so far

i am an extension of God's Will,
Yet i am an individual still capable of making choices.

conscious. how

this body,

is it... an extension on something? my mind? His Will?
why does it exist as it is, why can i physically see it, confirm it with sight, with touch, with smell
am i really just a blob of elements held together by biological processes,

is DNA a language and alterable code?
what is the next step beyond this skin's boundaries.

why? why?

what makes up my conscious thoughts, my "self"
am i a ghost in a shell?
would my body be like the Ship of Theseus?



destiny, fate, whatever.
collective, all in all, pluralism, divinity,
what is the truth.

a new canvas

as much as we change the geological topography of the earth bellow us with technology, art and culture. building cities, road networks and various infrastructure

so one day we will, alter the galaxies in this universe

life in truth

truth in life,
life in truth.

Get in touch with reality,
stop living a fantasy.

Carry out the Plan,
Make His Will, yours.

Old people infront?

Wait watched the boboboi emergency thing in the cinema again.

Let the old people out first?

Let's say there are two options:
1. Old people first, young ones stuck behind them. Manu people die

2. Found ones infront run out first, old ones behind.

Which would you choose?

thirsty?

do you feel as if your soul is dry?

like you're in a desert place.

well, its because you haven't been going to the source of:

Living Waters

go there, be refreshed, find peace and rest for your weary soul.

the mind separates from the body when we feed our fleshly desires.

why does the mind feel like it's detached from the body?
because the mind is in conflict with the desires of the flesh.

the more we feed the body (by giving in to temptations, after all it's a free choice)
we strengthen the flesh, and hence the mind feels more and more absent.

if we hang in the middle always tripping the line,
sooner or later we start to feel "depressed" as if there is a great dis-conjunction with the world.

and then, we are more and more likely to.
be.
lost.

however, if the flesh takes over all the way, in which we just give into the desires of it,
lust, temptations and evil.. materialism.

it becomes who we are. and we start to be comfortable with ourselves.

where is the soul then?
holiness and our conscience

Uber drivless cars

Next time you call Uber, a driverless cars will come pick you up.

Think about that moving into the future... taxi drivers.

Purpose

The purpose of life is to find life's purpose

everyone thinks he's a hero

an undercover journalist infiltrated and went behind the ranks of a terrorist group,and this is what she got out of it:

"Everyone thinks he's a hero."

and the 'good' military side retaliating against them also thinks the same "We are the hero"

if only they would just stop fighting with violence and "listen to each other"

then, much things could be resolved.

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a drug rehab worker said there was one thing in common with those whom give in to addiction:

"That they are missing a relationship with a higher power/being. A relationship that allows them to share about who they truly are"

And he was an atheist. believing that that the highest power is Love

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Still seeking for the meaning of life?

a purpose? is it burdensome?

well why don't you just lay it down at the Cross.

Let Jesus carry that for you.

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whats the one thing that you've learnt from university life?

"Is that we can never be too friendly, because people get annoyed and others talk bad behind your back". this was so sad to hear, life could have been so much more if this wound was healed. i guess being judgmental and condescending never really helped anyone.

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whats the one thing that you've learnt from university life?

"to adapt to change"

quarter life crisis

been browsing a few blogs... when i should be studying for final exams tomorrow.
sigh, came across so many christian blogs especially with missionaries (and mormon's too)
(something about google predictions that i dislike)

it's amazing, the life of these people.
so... all out.. dedicated... to Jesus.

aren't i a christian too? why am i not doing things like that.
not.. having a full time missionary life.

well... i always say to myself that "God has placed me where i am for a purpose"
and that my job for now is.. to finish off university... find a job? work.. get married and have a family.. and then what..?

share Christ along the way? i've tried. i've learnt from Crystal that..

Love is spoken with Actions.

how true, God.... please help me.. i.. don't want to be a hypocrite,
just learning the law, and trying to impose it on others..

in.. judging.. and .. contempt.. condescending..

gosh... i need to STOP COMPLAINING so much...
(i notice i've been very negative the past few months,
as if.. laughter and joy has left my body)

GOd.. help me to see the brighter side of things.
Gosh...

it feels like a dilemma in life.

heck, if all else fails,
just give up everything and become a missionary right?
hah.. that's not how it works..

we're all called to different offices and service.

I for one.. right now... have to... focus on what would bring glory to God.
focus on.. my relationship with God..

it seems like it's fleeting,
as if... its becoming more superficial

what is life?
why can't i be a pluralistic guy believing in all religions,
heck i would to try out tao-ism or zen buddishm one day

but i've been thought as a kid that i should have no other gods before You.
(as goes the Sunday School song)

haha wait a minute... it says "before" ... so does it mean that i can have some "after" You?
lol.

nah, I know who the real God is,
I have felt Him before, seen His works in my life,
read His Living Word...

I just need to.. focus ...

focus...

get away from all this distractions
so many distractions.. man.. Satan, you doing a good job.

but i hope i wont fall into temptation,
just like how my lord Jesus didn't give in when he was hungry .. didn't eat the stone..
nor bow down to the devil to get all of the cities on this earth...
nor jump down... to test the angles.

i should stop testing God...
and start.. living for Him...

will i ever grow up?
or will i continue to play computer games, watch animea and stuff..
and waste.. waste.. waste my life away..

always seaching for the next new smartphone,
headphones, camera.. bla bla bla..

without ever using the one i have to its fullest potential.
without ever being contended..

really.. really.. knowing...
about something

zzz

what if everything around us was just, air.

what if,

God was so powerful.
That actually He only made one of us.
Like you (the reader) or I (the writer)... am actually the only person in this world world?
and that everything, everyone around us... is just... made up, imaginary (to a point of become reality)

that, the people we meet and talk to are all actually just like.. air?
that the whole purpose of this one human universe is so that we could.. develop our existence,
in this world of one person, we cannot redefine our purpose of existing,

but it is still our job to.. make the choices, that will help us fulfill why we are actually here.

well ofcause, i believe very much that my friends beside me are actually humans and not just a figment of my imagination.

i could never imagine being the only person on earth, that would we very... lonely.

xiao mi

 got a xiaomi band from Chun Hao. He got it free with the purchase of a Mi4 during some special promotion and didn't want it. thanks a bunch! i've been wearing it for quite some time now, to log my activities, steps, jogs, tried to pari it up with Google FIt, but i think i'll leave it aside, or should it sync them? i heard that it counts a little bit of extra steps. but owh well, who really cares right?

i like the sleep function where it tells me how long i've slept that night and if i manage to have deep sleep. looking forward to the Mi band S1 where it can measure the pulse.

so i got a little itchy and visited the site and saw that they had some dual speaker ear phones (one armature, one diaphragm) its pretty cool, so i taught i'd pick it up. made a MI account, placed in my KF address, and viola, it arrived.

i was very happy with the two mi golden piston headphones i bought back then. they were really really good. but i lost one and gave another away. so yeah.... taught i'd get myself this new ones, and owh bow... so worth it.. the bass and hi's are so clear.

so i needed to top up till i hit hundered to get the free shipping, threw in a powerbank, fan and extra mi band strap.

i think my favorite color now is blue =P (last time it was.. red?)

andways, happy with the purchase, thank God i was home when GDex arrived.

and yeah, shold i get the XiaoMi weighing scale.... and XIao Yi action camera too? xD sigh not sure if my next phone will be a google nexus of a xiaomi.... (the head phones volum functions dont work properly with other UI's)

i want to go full google, but then they dont make all that much products .. yet.... and xiao mi can use google apps very much too.

choosing fewer things? present in the moment

I realised that i do too many things in life.
and that I should cut down and abandon things to have a more meaningful one.
I still remember a quote my friend Rachel shared with me

"Too everywhere to be somewhere"

and i think that we all should be aware of this.
part of minimalism is that isn't it: to have fewer things so that life will be more... in the present

i notice that my mind keeps running to things that i "should do" in the future.
so much to a point that i can't focus on what i am doing in the present.
it's really frustrating, to a point that i think its becoming stress or depression.

knowing that there are so many things that should be done but are not done.

or well. atleast i'll try to trun it into a positive notification to my brain that i have work to be done.
and once i finish what needs to be done first than i can go on and do other things, to be distracted. and not procrastinate.

i want to be genuinely interested in one thing at a time,
so that i'll really read and absorb whatever it is for the moment,
not just marginally having a fling and the going on to the next factually info after obligatory reading something i put into my Pocket list.

(maybe i should unsubscribe to Pocket weekly suggestions?) nah.. its good Brain Pickings.

like what yew meng said; "Do what you need to do, so that you can do what you want to do"

if i can somehow or another be disciplined enough to finish off all my school work first, than i can really enjoy playing in the park. to be really present in the moment.

niah caves - Dose Progress kill traditional culture?

So i just got back from our small road trip through Brunei and Miri and Niah Caves.

While reading the book on Bruno Manser, and having a lil conversation with the native Iban Josman, and one of the friends Kim Qin and ofcause Crystal,

It made me ask a question:

Does progress bring about the death of traditional culture?

Must something be sacrificed to gain something?

I.e. we ate canned food instead of local dishes,

there was electricity, running water and air conditioning

we sorta experienced the village lifestyle.

our Host talked alot about politics.

anyways, i got a lil uneasy when my friend said that "thats what the Christians did last time" in reply to the islamisation of school children by west malaysian teachers in the primary school. And its true to some sense that the iban's were all animistic before the missionaries came and shared the Gospel to them. so what's the difference with Islam?

well.. i think that one can believe in Jesus without giving up traditional customs.

in the beginning of it all, it was God and Adam and Eve. 

that was the original custom, and then when sin came in, a whole lotta prostitution to other gods were brought up to distract us from our true purpose, a realationship with Christ.

so if people were to say that Christianity destroys traditional customs by making one forget their roots. actually the opposite is more true, traditional customs have destroyed what was even earlier than themselves. and the Gospel is just reminding one of what it was all about in the beginning to time.

to bring one back.

hence i think the resolve to share one's experience with God is still something that's very applicable in the mordern world today. especially with all the developoment in technology, post-mordenism first world problems, and materialism.

p.s. on a side note, i really want to quit facebook and Whatsapp. or at least cut down on them.

maybe i should fast it just like the Muslims are doing now =P a month without FB? let me post up my niah cave pictures first