marrying into a family

 i'm sorry that you had to do that,

on such a special day.

you must have felt really uneasy,

to do a thing we don't normally do,

to be asked to do something by someone that has been our guardian for our whole life growing up.

the scales fall off our eyes.

when we're in love, its true, we are blind to the others shortcommings

love is blind as the saying goes

and there will be days that we see our partner through and outsiders perspective

we see all the flaws and imperfections

however, we still choose the path of love,

when we say "I love you" and hear them say it back,

as if nothing ever went thought their mind like what had just gone through yours..

such an unconditional love, had to be a deliberate choice made as a covenant and keeping to the promise of the wedding vows.

many don't nowadays, and take it lightly.

its good that you never held it agains't your mom,

i would never have known if you had never had shared,

there is no outward display or resentment or grudges,

truely forgiveness is a miracle.

when we can talk abouti t and share it to someone else,

healing takes place,

because then it is not kept in darkenss where sin has power,

it is brought to light where we see it for what it truely is,

insignificant and a small matter.

no matter is too small, nor too big to be of concern,

but it's how we choose to deal with it..

a small matter can make a mountain out of a mole hill,

while a big matter are.. we... big issues.

-----

rarely can you find a partner that allows you to do the things that still make you you,

if you have, theasure them like the most precious pearl, not all oysters will have them.

they don't insist on changing you, or restricting you from doing this or that,

-----

when having conversations, amongst all the things that have been said,

listen out for the line that the person most identifies is as the most important...

it might not just be sharing facts or information,

but emotion and ... something really deep inside them that they are finally allowing out,

that they are trusting you with,

a privallege for you to listen to

-----

you can buy as much gold as you want now, gold and silver bars,

but you have chosen not to find your value in earthly treasures.

a heart of gold, money can't buy.

a household of hope, peace and love.

comes through hardship, challenges and storms weathered together.

the saying goes, for a mom tellign the daughter:

would you rather laugh on a bicycle,

or cry in a BMW.

a some moments they think it's okay.

that money is still worth the sacrifice of happiness

but it's only true if its not exceberated over days,

because its the small things that builds up and causes the strain

------

marrying into wealth is what the world tells us to do.

find someone whom can take care of you,

it's a maternal instinct, to look for the wellbeing of our offspring,

which we spent so much effort and resources to raise

- all that time, cleaning up the mess, feeding food, sleepless nights

gold was an indicator that they can be taken care off.

but only when it is not used to show off to others....

because if you start on that foot path,

it well never end for that race in keeping up with the joneses

if you gave in there, do you think it'll stop?

you would have to buy the mansion as your first home

the most expensive sports car, putting you in huge debt..

and financial obligations a young married couple should not endure.

statistically, the bigger the weddings are,

the higher the possibility of divorce.

if you've found a partner that marries you for innate qualities,

and not for the external showoff wealth,

and you build a life of weath together,

that is true wealth.

because it doesn't matter if it was bags of gold,

or just two copper coins.

it has always been what comes from the heart

and offering of meat, but not from first choice of lambs

versus the offering form the first fruits harvested and the best of the crop

money can buy gold,

money can't buy a first class gold coin from a unviversity.. 

money can buy first class tickets abroad,

but it can't buy going to sleep with a smile on your face

with no fights happening in the house

money can buy a good bed,

but true rest and sleep, only God can grant when we share the yoke with Him.

weak and heavy ladden we are. tried....

come to CHirst to find rest

-------

you already have an indicator of how we choose to live life,

a professor that rides a honda kapchai to lectures.

it's not that we cannot afford a decent car

yes it's true we can't buy a ferrari, if you want to see supercars go to dubai.

you'll see how sick they get of it.

it's not that we can't afford overseas travels,

it's that we find its not the destination but the journies together as a family that matters

the time spent at the fishing ponds, ex mining pools in ipoh

driving off road, having no phone signal, having no hand phones at all in fact...

fishing till dark, and getting lost on the way out....

what i would give to have that quality family time together again

not having my hand glued to this small device that is stealing so much of my attention away from my child

----

but nostalgia is the theif of joy too,

the best is always yet to come.

--

what we chose instead is to seek first the kingdom of God,

we didn't go all the way out an become a celibated monk that renouced all attachment to earth,

nor did we mix it up with prosperity and an extravegantly rich life....

generosity can only happen when one's heart has already been full,

when it is not full of one's self, but satisfied enough with all the oil that CHirst has pour and anointed over our heads that it overflows in to the life of others...

it isn't our blessing that we give onto others,

we are just the channel for the blessings that come from God through Christ into our lives

yewks served his time in the holy crusade as a fES staff worker,

a job that is not about money

not about savings lives

not about having a saiour mentality

or false humilty

dear taikor

a letter to my brother

Dear Tai Kor,

Thank you for swinging by the house over lunch time to see family, despite the busy schedule of work and the big projects on going and up coming.

The sharing of taking a pregnant lady to a hospital after an accident got me thinking about so much things. How the husband was apologizing after finding out who you are and after what you’ve done.

Paying down the deposit for non-nationals. not something anyone would do. anyone would put up security for another that could afford to pay back, but few would for someone that has little chance or no means of doing so. That is true charity. You reward is not here on earth, because it is nothing that the world could give even in all it’s richest. No amount of money could buy a heart of gold. A heart of God’s.

And there is no entitlement in who you are. “I am so big and important, while you are insignificant”. It is the weakest of lambs outside the fold, the bind and the poor that is most significant to the Shepard’s heart.

With true humilty, who you are is revealed by those that are around you. The community knows you and of you and what you do. And they tell the man, and when he finally finds out, it’s like scales falling off his eyes. He sees you for who you are. An educated, Dr.. Prof..(AP), and starts apopogizing for striking you in the face.

‘if a man slaps you, turn the other cheek’

I know of that saying. But I know of little people that have actually been slapped. To get slapped by a stranger, is a such a rare occurance.

People have asked me about seeing miricales in this day and age, saying that Jesus isn’t realy because they don’t see it happening anymore.

But if if wasn’t by a miracle that the car being you was an exper in deescaling high strung tense emotional situations, i dont know what is. If it isn’t a miracle that you would offer to fetch a pregnant woman to the hospital after being struck, i don’t know what is.

Forgiveness is a miracle.

becuase sometimes it really just isn’t a natural human thing to do so. It is a god level quality.

the incident also reminded me about dad at when confronted by Ahmad Deedat and gave his pants away, standing up for Christ. I haven’t heard of a story since then that is akin to it’s level. But now here it is.

people would normally go into a fight or flight response. especially when adrenaline is running through the veins. (which normally happens in events that have low occurances), such as accidents. (or it your friend’s case, he’s been in so much, he’s an expert, as funny or not as it is, alsmost as if one can get desensitize to truma, as much as the medical doctors have to deal with on a daily basis)

• Anxiety.

we have a certain level of aphateticness. or what it seems to be a form of. but its not true apathy, where we dissociate the emotion entirely, disregarding its right to existence. We actually have conditioned our response to such situations by years of faith in God.

We do feel it. its jsut that we dont respond to it the same way that the majority of the world would if they were thought to by the ways of the world.

i.e. if your anxious, you should hurt yourself. so that you can get attention. and attention is the thing that medicates anxiety. it sooths is when someone cares for you.

but its just a band aid over the festering sore.

to truely not be anxious anymore, is to know that one is loved first before they even demand of it. 

i love dad’s quote and advise on faterhood when i asked him for parenting advice:

“Give attention before it is demanded”

because when it is, it is normally too late.

‘you cant buy insurance after the accident’

What if something happend. “Whom of you by worring can add a hour to this life?”. Forgiving others is something, but can we forgive ourselves? The latter is probaby the harder.

(so i’ve had moments like this, its vary rare, in life when all is good)

our mind goes on a rollercoster ride of thoughts about what ifs and such “anything that can go wrong will go wrong”. so how do we deal with it when Anxiousnes comes by knocking on our door?

we open it, but when it’s invited in, it sees another Person sitting at the table, it is Jesus, having a meal in out heart. And He invites Anxiety to come in and sit down.. he doesn’t just slam the door shut and say get out. nor does He allow Anxiety to come in and take control of the place. He helps us to deal with it, helps us to heal from it. and says “DO not worry, Do not be afraid, though you walk through the fires or over the waters, I will be there”

Chirst forgives, and sets us free. CHirst is the key

From anxiety and depression. in prayer and petition submit your request to God. and the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

a peace that trancends understanding.

in a world that everyone (or manybe not), well… most people that I hang out with.. or maybe not… myself… I want to be able to undersand things.

but to choose something that is beyond reasoning or understanding….

that is like…. riding a bike.

We’re not bad at conflict resolution, we just choose to resolve tense situations in the way that Jesus would. If you loved the other, what would you do? If you were in their shoes, how would you want to be responded to. Surely not aggression or shouting.

We grew up in a household that I’ve never heard mom and dad fight or get angry or hold it against each other for an extended period of time. When the sun sets, we don’t go to bed angry or hating the other person.

Anger is a very valid emotion, one that shuldn’t be supressed. For if it is, then we wouldn’t know how to deal with it when it finally comes. Just like the fires of LA, not having burnt for years, allowing the tinder to build up. All it needs is a spark for an uncontrollable inferno to break loose.

So have it. Have anger. But learn how to acknowledge it in a healthy way.

Its not about how big the gold chain is.

its the background that they grew up in. The gold is the world’s physical way of saying you’ll be able to be taken care of, monetary wise. However it doesn’t guarantee a happy healthy marriage. statistically the bigger and more expensive weddings are, the more probabilistic the rate of divorce will be.

• on airing dirty laundry

being different from sharing keystone formative memories in a supportive encouraging environment that wants the best for you.

if you share to the wrong people. you most likely will get the wrong advise. or if they blurt it out to others, you’ll get truma of trusting others after that.

Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added onto you.

You’re probably the most well off to do. Two well earning in govt sectors. 

• we’re not bad at conflict management v2

we know about Game Theory. or the prisoners dilemma

its always better to choose to do the right thing than that that hurts others.

because that’s how we win in the long run. life is not a zero sum game as the world puts it, teaching us to be selfish. that really is of the devil, selfishness

choose to do good. no one wins when two people are high strung and fighting constantly. especially not the kids. kids observe. we always think that it doesn’t matter to do or say whatever we want infront of children because “they don’t understand adult stuff yet”…. but how wrong that is….

0–6 years old is their formative years,

that’s probably where they learn most of the things they are going to carry on into adulthood. and if we screw it up then, it’ll take a whole lotta effort to unwind and reshape them when they are older.

But is also probably not the main thing of what your mom was trying to get it. It wasn’t so much of the what the brothers would say or not say, in terms of if they actually would or if it’s all made up in the head. The perception of others or the axiety that coems for what we think other people are thinking about us is also a valid emotion. That’s one of the key things that helps us regulate being a civil person and having a functioning society. I don’t break the law, beause it has conseuqneces kind of thing. But forcasting what the response of others would be sometimes is like trying to predict the weather. You can be good at it, but get it wrong sometimes, most of the time. We never know what the future will actually bring. if we did invite them, maybe they would have been happy. maybe not. but in the end, how you had to handle it, in this relaity that we are here. You had to lie? But you mantained the peace.

if they could see you now and how far you’ve come. Owh boy would they be jealous. but that was never your intention or goal that you’ve set out to achive, because if it was, it would have been a really shallow reason for wealth. money is more than just providing a life, it can’t. it’s just grants more opportunities and choices. often times bad choices, like depression and anxiety, and lots and lots of drugs or medication to remediate it.

what really keeps us healthy? the mind. Jesus. God, in whom all things finds themselves. their true selves.

and sometimes when we look back at things, we just laugh at it... what a silly thing to make suc ha big deal out of back then, it's nice to be older now and see things from this point of view

• on perception

everyone has a reason why they see certain things from the way that they do. and if we could only let go of our ego, and empathize with them, we will understand why they think the way they do.

if a person came from a tough background, they know the realities of poverty, and they would want the best for thier child to grow up in a life better than their own. We always want what is best for our child.

If we still wanted what is best for ourselves,

we would haven’t learnt the lesson of what being a parent is. the sacrificial love that comes, the losing of one’s self. to gain much more in this world.

• On cycling

The joy that comes from riding down the hill, the thrill. exhilaration. something you can’t buy. But it’s not that we do it for that either. It’s because, there’s a sense of freedom that comes from being able to hit the roads on another form of transport, to be powered by your own legs and not a petrol engine, to zip past cars stuck in traffic.

riding a bike, the closest we’ll come to riding horses or dragons in this modern age. when you slant the body to make a turn, you can’t do that with a car.

• recreation

too busy to go out for a hike. there’s so much to talk about that a loop around gasing hill will not do it. but oh, how nice that would be.

• 
  

2025 coming soon

 So the year is coming to an end...

what will 2025 bring?

choice

Every choice matters

every action

Every choice counts

No action too small

Significant over time

wonder what Jesus did

Or his family, Mary and Joseph...

With the gifts given by the wise man

The gold, frankincense and myrrh

Read before sleep

 Why reading before bed is better than using the phone

The reason why is because of something called historical continuity of the present memories ability to recall past events and an anticipation for future outcomes, either through prediction or foresight.

So say for example, I read a book. Any book. I used to read the Bible, a chapter a day. I could recall what i read the night before, and because I’ve read the passage or heard a sermon being preached about it before sometime in the past, I can sort of have a premonition of what the next words will be in the lines ahead. This gives the mind a sense of consolidition. It doesn’t just have to be religious text, it can be any book. Currently I’m reading a comic, W0rldtr33. A chapter a night, somthing I look forward to to wind down the brain and the day. And when I finally feel sleepy, the brain is in the right state of mind for a night’s rest. The wavelength is just right…

However, if I use the phone. Normally the things that I watch are unrelated to anything else. For example, I scroll through FB news feeds, shorts and YT recommended videos. They normally have no continuity to any story line. Everything is just a short burst of entertainment that’s vying for my attention. (That’s how it they game it to work), Dopamine releases, etc. I’m addicted to it. I don’t want it to end.. and when I’m finally too tired, I crash into sleep… barely able to keep my eyes open anymore… It’s not a sleep that comes from the right cue. It’s forceful… and … i probably don’t remember anything I watched that night.

kilbernie pool

 swimming pool in kilbernie is sooo good for toddlers.

and it's free!

lift in the hotel broke down

no time to go gym/pool/spa today

owh well.

it was good as it gets

ah and linux is probably the way to go